Funniest Kids in the World!

Stripper Songs

2012-01-26T18:00:00.001-08:00

So we're watching American Idol and Mase is humming. I realize suddenly that he's singing that stupid stripper song...thanks rappers everywhere for your disgusting contribution to society and your booty bouncing slutty women *throws up in mouth*!

Conversations ensues:

Me - SON! You cannot sing that song!

Mase - Why?

Me - It's about strippers! (trying not to yell)

Mase - *blank stare*

Me - Do you know what a stripper is?

Mase - They dance on stage and strip to their bra and panties.

Me - (OMG! HE KNOWS HE KNOWS! okay stay calm...breathe....don't ask who told him, you might kill the kid) Yes, but they strip NAKED, son, NAKED. They show everything that Heavenly Father gave them to a clapping audience.

Jase - (obviously listening in...SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE!) Ew! I would never do that.

Me - WELL I SHOULD HOPE NOT! (any hopes of not yelling clearly gone)

*later I would find out that BREN told Mase the words to the song...my own child...pray for her..."

HILARIOUS Blogger!

2011-12-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

A friend shared this with me and I had to share it here. Literally the funniest thing I've read in a long time. But I must confess...I'm the guilty party she's talking about. Except that I don't bake, or sew, or knit, or do anything else homemakey. However, I am an overachieving Elf mom. *hangs head in shame*

Laugh your butt off here!

Let's play "What's Under the Bed!"

2011-11-20T18:00:00.001-08:00

Me: Bren, you have to clean your room!

Bren: I did.

Me: Whatever, let me see. *finds clean room* Huh, nice. What about the dirty clothes stuffed under the bed?

Bren: Not clothes, just dirty underwear, I'll get them out later.

Me: Let's pretend it's later and get them out now.

Bren: Even better, let's pretend I never said what was under there.

Smooth.

And that's why I'm a proud Momma!

2011-11-15T09:20:00.000-08:00

Now, while I do love a good Ringling Circus, I think I may have "stepped in it" by taking my kids this last Saturday.

Today Mase announces:

"Hey Mom, I decided, if I don't get into Harvard, Yale, MIT, or Stanford, I'm gonna go to Clown College or become a Ring Master."

*silence for The Hub and I*..............................................................................................................

ATTENTION ALL WOMEN!!!

2011-10-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

This is VERY important!

When you wear high heels, for the love of everything Holy, do NOT have dirty legs!

Because, in case you didn't know, "if you have dirty legs and wear high heels then you're a hooker!"

Thank you, Jase, for keeping us off the streets and well aware!

We are officially a FEATHER FREE family!

2011-08-22T15:27:00.000-07:00

That's right...even though I am a hair stylist, my girls have outlawed feather extensions and are now on a mission to stop the injustice!

Here's what happened:

We went to Claire's today to buy a gift for someone. Bren asked the salesperson if they had feathers in stock.

"No, but we will in a couple of weeks. We have to wait for the birds to mature first."

*****************************SILENCE*****************************************

Bren: Birds...mature....what do you mean?

Me: Bren, where do you think they get the feathers? They get them from farms that raise birds to eat and then they use the feathers too.

Bren: WHAT??? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME???

**insert major outburst about hating the store mixed with comments from me about the birds are going on the dinner plate anyway**

So fast forward to now, Bren is making a sign for our front lawn that says "Don't buy feather extensions, they kill the birds just so you can look cool!"

And then this...

Mase: Wait, I don't understand, why can't they just keep the naked chicken as a pet.

*I'm still recovering from that one*

When times get rough...Jase is always there for a laugh!

2011-05-26T08:35:00.001-07:00

Tension has been high in our home for a couple of months now. But Jase is always there to break the tension with fits of laughter. God bless that child!

Bren, Jase and I were in the kitchen and they were watching me as I cooked. Out of no where Jase says "Mom, you know how some people have a bootie chin, well you have a nose like that. It has two little humps with a dent in the middle."

*Bren is already choking with laughter...shut up Bren!*

"Um, did you just call my nose a 'butt nose'"?

Jase, "Yep."

Bren, "Jase, that was mean."

*Um trying to take up for me through fits of laughter is NOT working!*

Me, "Hey if I can live with the nickname I had growing up, then I can live with having a butt nose I guess."

*My name happens to rhyme with vagina...oh ok...no really, take your time and get it all out...laugh your butt off....better? Let's move on shall we.*

Jase is laughing at that. So Bren says, "you don't even know what vagina means."

Jase, "Yes I do! It's your girl stuff!" *so there!*

Me, "Yes it is the correct term for your girl stuff, like penis is the correct word for boy stuff."

Jase, "But wanker is WAAAY more fun to say!"

*Ahhh, moments like this are moments I treasure!*

Of all the things to repeat in the whole movie!

2011-05-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

We were watching a movie the other day and it was PG so we thought nothing of it. However, somewhere in the movie one character told the other to "stop being a pussy."

Now....

The entire movie was FILLED with little catch phrases that were more appropriate. But then not everyone has a Jase in their house.

So of course, being the kid that she is, she immediately says out loud, "stop being a pussy!"

When Bren and Mase laugh, and The Hub's and my eyes pop out of our head, she explains simply, "it's short for pussycat, right?"

Needless to say we paused the movie to explain that we do NOT tell anyone at school to stop being a pussy, even if we say or mean pussycat!

We are now awaiting the phone call from the school saying she did just the opposite when she went to school today. *sigh*

The Pregnancy Discussion

2011-04-23T19:43:00.001-07:00

According to Jase, women do not have a choice as to whether or not they get pregnant. If the Lord sends a child to a woman, then she has to give birth and if she doesn't want the child then she can give it up for adoption.

When asked if anything else was involved, Jase was stumped and said no. So Mase and Bren chimed in with all kinds of pregnancy talk and purposely skirted around any discussion of sex, but tried to help Jase understand that you don't just "become" pregnant without "help." LOL

"For instance," Bren said, "how to animals get pregnant."

Jase's reply: "Well, dolphin get pregnant, get really fat, then have their babies out of their buttocks."

Needless to say, this is where The Hub and I lost it and laughed until we choked!

An Interrupted Call...and...The F Word.

2011-02-12T18:24:00.000-08:00

These two Kid Funnies are brought to you today courtesy of Bren and Jase:

Tonight Bren was asked to bless the food and just as she said "Dear Heavenly Father" Mase decided he needed a napkin and asked for one. Bren was highly offended by his interruption.

Bren: You just interrupted my call. I was already connected and you just cut off the line.
Mase: (just giggles)
Bren: I'm still on hold ya know, He is listening to you giggle.

Last night Jase and The Hub attended a daddy daughter dance. On the way in, the weather being super cold, Jase clung to dad in hopes of staying warm until inside.

The Hub: It's freakin' cold, huh?
Jase: Yeah. I wish I could say the F word.
*silence*
The Hub: You mean freakin' right.
Jase: Nope, I mean the real F word...you know, the F.I. word. (we are guessing she meant F.Y. for obvious reasons)

THIS JUST IN: Raisins can cause dogs to kill cats.

2010-11-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

A friend and I were discussing our pets and I was telling her how I heard that raisins and grapes can actually be very dangerous to dogs. I said that raisins and grapes can cause severe kidney damage when ingested.

Mase, who was listening, said, "Raisins can cause dogs to chase and kill cats?"

WHAT?

Mase: "You said raisins can cause severe kitty damage."

I see a new fwd email going around soon for snopes.com to get a hold of!

I recommend starting your day with a little sex talk.

2010-10-14T05:03:00.000-07:00

As we were getting ready for school we were watching an animal bloopers show. Somewhere in there is asked the age old question "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Mase says: Andrew (a friend) said all girls are born with an egg in their body that will one day become a baby.
Jase: It's true, but it's called a sack Mase, and I have one.
Mase: So Jase has a baby in her belly waiting?
Me: No, girls have a type of egg in their bodies that could one day become a baby.
Jase: (holding circled fists to her belly) See I have eggs right here!

Thank goodness no one asked how those eggs get fertilized!

Do you pee in the shower? And can your winky dance?

2010-09-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

I was getting the shower ready for Mase, and a typical male, he just comes in and shucks his clothes. My girls hide and ask me to turn around, HELLO, we have the same body parts! But my boy goes all "nudist colony" on me any chance he has.

First, I see movement out of the corner of my eye and turn around to see my son twirling his "winky" in circles with his hips. He giggles and says, "Cool huh, I just started doing that."

*yep, real cool son.*

Then, he gets in the shower and I go to step out, then remember that I need to remind him to use SHAMPOO when he shampoos his hair and that water and rubbing is not washing hair. I open the curtain and he's peeing in the shower. "Ewww! Stop that!" But he just giggles and says, "If I get out I get water all over the floor, and then you gripe because I got water all over the floor."

:| *ahhh, look who's a smarty pants all of a sudden*

"So go before you get in."

"I didn't need to go until the water hit it."

I'll admit, I totally lost that battle of wits.

Not funny at all!

2010-09-25T12:43:00.001-07:00

Bren has learned how to pit The Hub and I against each other. She will actually text a lie about one of us to the other one in hopes of getting her way. It usually leads to a nasty argument between The Hub and myself.

NOT funny in the least, and if you have any advice on how to nip this little trick before it gets worse, I would love it!

Help find Norris Lee!

2010-09-07T09:49:00.001-07:00

http://wwj.cbslocal.com/2010/09/06/birmingham-police-search-for-missing-man/

And....NOTED.

2010-08-29T09:37:00.000-07:00

We were watching Whale Wars and Bren, who is my animal rights activist, says, "It's always the Japanese that slaughter whales and dolphins. I tell you how to stop them, nuke their butts! They deserved it once, maybe we should do it again!" *followed by silence*

And I'm pretty sure all hopes of her being the first female president just went right out the door. Even a mother would never put her behind the "button."

Mommy and Daddy "alone time"

2010-06-26T17:58:00.001-07:00

The neighbor just asked my kids to go down to the beach with them and I came over to verify.

Jase says to neighbor mom, "It's good that you asked us, mom and dad need alone time. That's why I play over here so much, they need their alone time."

WHAT THE....

We have never even said "alone time" ROFL!

We never even...*insert imagination*...during the day. The mom just stared at me and if crickets had chirped it would have been appropriate.

Jase, my sweet, you better pray that I die or become mute before you have children of your own because I'm coming at you full force!

"In the crack?"

2010-06-24T17:44:00.000-07:00

While we were camping last week, I took Jase to the showers to clean her up a little. I was telling her to make sure she washed her bum and hoo haa. She kinda rubbed the outside of her butt so I said "wash in between honey."

Eyes wide: "In between? In my crack? I don't wanna stick my hand in there, there's all kinds of stuff in there!"

Hence the reason I want you to "stick your hand in there" and wash it!

Laughter.

2010-05-27T07:32:00.001-07:00

My children have been making me laugh for almost 13 years now. Many times the laughter is later, after the embarrassment of the moment wears off. For instance Jase talking about how she has a dimple and two nipples in the store the other day, much to the cashier's joy! But they keep my life light and full of joy!

Before that, my family always kept me laughing. My brothers are the types that would break out into a fabulous 70s rock song and dance right in the middle of a family gathering...for no reason. And my oldest niece has a sense of humor very near to mine...of course I'm funnier! All of the girls in my family will fart on your head just as fast as any of the boys...and yet we have a classy side. LOL! I just love my family!

I also love to laugh with my best friends! Even if it is when one calls me her endearing nickname for me "hooker" or when 3 others sit around a campfire and discuss my Southern heritage right in front of me...hello, I'm right here and don't make me wear my Mums to your funeral because I will!

I truly believe laughter is a very important part of any family. There are members of my family who don't care for me and say I've changed since I've learned that the Gospel is pertinent to a happy life, but I can still laugh with them and make them laugh in return. Laughter makes all the nasty comments and the sore wounds go away...even for a moment.

So today remember to laugh with your family, your friends, even laugh at yourself. You'll feel better and little by little you'll heal any parts of you that are broken.

:D

What a sweet little smart *ss boy!

2010-05-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted a birthstone ring...always. But alas, my birthstone happens to be one of the rarest and most expensive of stones: Alexandrite. And I refuse to purchase the cheap man-made stone that is pink/purple instead of red/green.

On Mother's Day I was telling my kids that they could all save up and give me a birthstone mother's ring someday. They asked me how much it was and I told them that single carat stones can be close to $10K. My girls gasped. My son however just smiled and sweetly said, "You already have a birthstone ring, Mom." Ummm, no I don't. "Yes you do." Nope, pretty sure I don't. "Yes you do, (puts hand over my heart) it's right here in your heart." Then he giggles profusely.

He thinks he is so funny.

Let's talk ranking, shall we?

2010-05-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

My 7 y/o comes to me after playing on a public playground and says, "Mom there are really bad words written all over the playground. Like f***, s***, d***. (SAID them)
But there was a really bad word I need to spell: H.E.L.L. (SPELLED it)"

Hmmmm. Apparently the H word is waaaay worse than the F word. I feel a talk coming on.

Hey World! We are funny again!

2010-04-04T19:59:00.000-07:00

Things are back to normal in my home. I am healing. And when I say "normal" if you've read my blog through the years you understand the irony of "normal." For my kids are anything BUT normal!

Thursday we were coming home from school and Jase was in the back seat telling me the following story:

Jase: Jenna sits next to me at lunch every day. And when I turn my head, she just puts candy on my tray, and I look back and there is candy. I don't know where it came from but there it is. Jenna is a funny girl that way. And she always says she has a penis. Don't know why though, cuz she doesn't have a penis, she's a girl.

*If there was EVER a time more appropriate for spitting and choking on my diet Dr Pepper, THAT was the time.*

Living with a Ghost: Billy Gene Onstead Part Two

2010-03-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

A lot has happened since my first post. First I would like to thank so many of you for your comments, emails, facebook posts, and calls! I felt your prayers, well wishes, and thoughts! It was the weirdest mourning I have ever gone through, surreal and full of a variety of emotions.

Since the last post I have heard from my bio aunt and she has had all my comments on Bill Onstead's tribute page removed. Understandable, I wasn't mean, but I was certainly real. Her and her children have since put up TONS of "memories" of him that are so ridiculous I was left reeling. I feel a need to address those:

Her child refers to my father as "the most patriotic man I've ever known." I find this really odd since Bill Onstead was connected to some REALLY bad people from other countries that hated the US. As I said before, my mother saw suitcases of some kind of foreign money and one of his daughters once saw diamonds in a case. He always told my mom that he worked in the "oil business" in Saudi Arabia. She never knew anymore than that. We joke about not saying too much or we might end up "in an 'accident'" but far behind that joke there is a stone cold unknown that always accompanies that phrase.

Her son refers to my father as a "cowboy". I don't find this odd, I find it severely hilarious. Wearing a Stetson and boots does NOT qualify you as a cowboy, and Bill Onstead was never a rancher, never rode in a rodeo, never worked a hard days work in a pasture, or in an arena, or in a dirty stall. Cowboys don't wear Aviators and Italian suits, they don't live in South Africe, Malta, or have villas in Spain, and they don't "marry" young foreign girls under suspicious circumstances while being married to another woman in another country. I was raised on a ranch surrounded by cowboys. I have cowboys in my family that love a hard honest days work, love their families, and know what it means to be a patriot. To call Bill Onstead a cowboy is an insult to all those wonderful, hard working, honest, American men out there who aren't smooth talking imitators, but true to the bone cowboys.

Many more falsities was written about my father...a bunch of hoopla about what a "wonderful" "sweet" man he was. They talk of the unprecedented bond between Bill and Inez, his sister. And instead of saying to Bill's 3 abandoned daughters, "I know he did you wrong but I sure wish he would have allowed you to know the man I knew" she says hurtful things, calls me a liar, says I spin horrible webs of lies, and that I didn't deserve his love.

I was 3 when my father decided to abandon our family. I never asked for it, and in fact over the years I all but begged to be a part of his life. It was always his choice to lie, create weird mysteries and spin lies. And apparently his sister, Inez Onstead, is exactly like him. No wonder they were so close...birds of a feather and all.

It is funny though, I do not feel hate as I write this. Please don't read it that way. I instead feel lucky. Lucky that I was kept out of that mess of a family. Lucky that I never felt what the Onstead and the other two families considered "love". And lucky to have been raised by a wonderful mother, who knew hard honest work, was a wonderful cowgirl, was willing to do whatever it took to raise her children, and never ever abandoned any of us no matter how hard we pushed her away.

If you are an Onstead from Mineral Wells, or are a part of that family in some way, my heart goes out to you, for you have NO idea what it means to be a part of a real honest and loving family. Careful how deep you dig into your family core, for you just might find the web of lies that haunted my dreams for decades.

Living With a Ghost That Won't Go Away: My tribute to Billy Gene Onstead

2010-02-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

Today, we are not funny, not funny at all. Comedy will someday resume, I'm sure of it. But today I have a life long mission to fulfill. I must tell the story of my biological father. Because yesterday, after thinking it was another hoax to laugh and roll my eyes at, I discovered that he may truly be dead.

Bill and my mother became pregnant with me before they were married. I was a surprise I guess. Bill disappeared for a while and left my mother wondering if she had scared him away with news of a baby. When he returned he vowed to be a good father, and they were married. The fact that he disappeared once should have been a sign, but my mother trusted him...LOVED him. He was tall, handsome and had a smile (so witnesses have said) that could suck you into his con at anytime.

Bill came into our family with another child from a previous marriage. I'll not share information about her except that we still love her and wish her the best and if she is ever in need of anything, we have been and always will be here.

Bill started out as a highway patrol officer in Texas when he came into my mom's life. Sometime after he ended up working in Saudi Arabia. He was gone A LOT. Mom said he came home once and had an unusual amount of money in a suitcase. He was always weird and secretive like that. He would disappear over seas, never call, and right when everyone thought he was dead or missing, he would show up. The day before I turned 3, he disappeared out of our lives forever.

Right before his final disappearance, Bill told our family (Mom had 3 teens from a previous marriage and Bill had the sister I mentioned above who was also a teenager) that he was moving us to Malta. He showed everyone pictures of the house and told us amazing stories of how wonderful our lives would be. The local newspaper ran a story on the our family moving to the island of Malta. Bill instructed my mother to sell everything. We could only take so much, and we would just have to buy the rest when we got there. He left the day before my 3rd birthday, and Mom set out with the help of friends and family and sold everything: the house, the car, clothes, trampolines, EVERY thing. The older kids shared clothes because soon they would be getting new ones and they told their friends that they were moving to Malta. The whole city knew about the upcoming adventure.

And then he never came back.

My mother waited...and waited...and waited. Friends offered to give her back the things she had sold them at garage sales. She refused to give up hope. Everyone started whispering of possible death over seas. Mom was forced to start all over again, living with her blind mother and 4 teenagers and a toddler, with NOTHING, while she waited to hear the fate of her husband. A year passed with wild rumors coming and going. A friend of Bill's told my mother that he saw an Arab man walking around in Bill's brown suit in town one day. He told her that he worried that Bill was dead. Eventually, Mom was left with no choice but to file for divorce through the state. She divorced a husband that was neither dead or alive, but a ghost that had briefly come and gone, leaving her with nothing but little blond brown-eyed girl, me.

The "brown suit" plays a leading role in my memories. Whether I overheard the brown suit conversation and that's how I came to know about it or my vision is real, for as long as I can remember I have this vision: Me in a blue with white polka dots dress, heavily pleated with lace, white socks and black shiny buckle shoes, walking down a staircase in our house and someone standing at the bottom waiting on me in a brown suit, he is tall but I don't see his face. Everything I describe in my vision, from the little toy lamb with wheels that I walk past to the color of the carpet, my mom has confirmed as real.

After Bill left, and the divorce was final, rumor became facts. The story of the brown suit on the Arab man was made up by Bill's accomplices to keep from knowing the truth, that he was still alive. My mom learned that Bill had not died after all, he was simply living another life. He was living in the same house he promised us, in Malta, and married another woman named Anita (I am told she is Indian) and had a baby girl named Shakeera. Shortly after we all realized that Bill had simply abandoned us, my half sister from Bill moved away and I never saw her again. Seems like there is a running theme where Onsteads are concerned.

I grew up very confused, very angry, very sad and FULL of fantasies about my biological father. I went through the usual stages: Blamed my mother for a while for not trying hard enough to find him, blamed myself for coming into his life when he didn't want another child, hated his guts for living out there and not wanting me or even just telling me why he cannot be in my life. All in all, I grew up with the ghost of Bill Onstead looming over me for 32 years. He looked back at me in every mirror I looked in to. He visited me in dreams, held me, told me things were going to be ok. He loved me in my fantasies--my innocent and dumb little girl fantasies.

At the age of 17, a very pissed off teenager, Bill's wife Anita Onstead wrote me a couple of postcards with no return address. The first was from South Africa. She told me how she wanted to interview and study me for a book she was writing about children from dysfunctional homes and that she would contact me again soon. In the second postcard she told how handsome my father was and how wonderful their life was with a house in South Africa and a Villa in Spain. She revealed that she and Bill had lived in Malta and that was where their first daughter was born, and their second was born in South Africa. Her name is Rasmeeka. She again said she would contact me when she was in Dallas next time, and then I never heard from her again. But how nice to write a little girl who spent her LIFE up to that point obsessed with questions about a father who chose to disappear. The part where she referred to him as tall and handsome was especially sensitive. *dripping in sarcasm* But the BEST part of her revelations was when she told me the age of her daughter that was born in Malta...she was born while Bill was still coming back to Texas to play "daddy/husband" to us, and Anita KNEW!

I found my father once, in Loveland, CO, and tried to contact him. I was told by the police there that Bill wanted me to leave him alone and threatened to press charges. I was 17 when I was told that. I also wrote Uncle Ted (Bill's brother)probably 10 different times begging for something, an answer, anything. NO ONE ever responded, ever cared. All of my sisters (there are 5 of us total) know Uncle Ted and were close to him. I did not. No one knew me, no one ever wanted to.

I will spare you all the details of a life spent wondering. I will skip to last year when I reconnected with two of my sisters who had been abandoned as well (one who lived with me and one who was abandoned just before Bill met my mother). We came together on Facebook and somehow I ended up finding out a few things that I never knew from one of them. Some of the things brought a LOT of closure to my never-ending chapter titled, Bill Onstead-The Mystery Never Ends. It helped to hear those things. I also learned that Shakeera and Meeka never knew about Bill's other "daughters". Anita and Bill had apparently perfected the art of living a lie.

But I STILL needed that moment. I still needed to have my say. And one of my greatest dreams was the day I would be told of Bill's death and I would attend his funeral and finally look upon his face--my father's face--and have my say to Anita and Bill's family.

Sadly, that day will never happen for me now. A week ago today, I discovered that Billy Gene Onstead died back in December of 2009. On his tribute site, the family (aka Anita) chose not to disclose the funeral date or arrangements. So my day to look upon my father's face will never come...in this life anyway. Anger like I have never known rushed through me that day, followed by a cold blow-to-the-stomach reality that left me curled up in tears for hours. Those around me would say "good riddance" and "you're better off" and others would just hold me without knowing what to say. Truth be told, there was NO right thing to say to me. How do you mourn the death of a ghost, of a man that was never there? How do you mourn a dream of looking into your father's eyes or hugging him and finally knowing his smell? It's funny what you think of when you are left to wonder, I always wondered what he smelled like, what his scent would be when I held him in a tight hug. How do you mourn a conversation you never had but ALWAYS dreamed you would have, practiced it in the mirror as a young girl? "Why did you leave, why did you pretend I never existed?" And he would answer.

I have just sent off for a death certificate. It will be the only thing I have of my father except for a few pictures of him smiling and one of him holding me like I was his greatest joy. I will put them all in a box and will carry that box with me throughout the rest of my life. However, when I put the lid on that box, my dreams will finally put to rest, just as Bill was this last December. Although, I cannot say that his soul is enjoying peace, as he has quite a bit to answer for in Heaven.

As for Anita, she lives on and still looks at herself every day in the mirror. In those moments, when she lingers to long at the reflection, it is my hope that for even the slightest moment in time, she knows what an evil person she is for living such a lie for so very long, and hurting so many little girls along the way.

To Billy Gene Onstead, my prayers are truly with you as you face your Maker and beg for mercy for sins against your children. May your soul one day find peace and may God grant you the forgiveness that I have trouble granting you myself. And then may God forgive me.

And age old argument.

2010-01-30T16:42:00.000-08:00

Bren: Ouch! Stupid! You kicked me in the crotch!
Mase: Sorry, but it didn't hurt, Bren, you're a girl!
Bren: Yes it did! We have pee pees too, stupid!
Mase: (in amazement) You do? Oh yeah, just not like mine.

I have actors on my hands.

2009-12-06T10:09:00.000-08:00

Or, we just watch too many detective shows. LOL

I walked in, unobserved, on Mase and Jase playing. Mase had a flashlight to Jase's face and a very mean look on his face, she was squinting and nervous.

Mase: I know you're James Calvich.
Jase: No I'm not, dude, how many James Calvich's do you think are on this earth? I'm his brother, John.
Mase: Then where's your brother?
Jase: I already told you, I don't know!
Mase: WHERE"S YOUR BROTHER?! He killed detective Monk!

Then they noticed me and the interrogation was over. ROFL!!!

Funny things this week!

2009-12-04T14:22:00.001-08:00

Let's see, how do I narrow this down?

Bren: She is such a growing young girl and is starting to, ahem, develop. YIKES! And deodorant is becoming a morning necessity. So yesterday we forgot to use deodorant, and this was her statement to me when she came home:

Bren - Mom, you forgot to remind me to use deordorant!
Me - My apologies for being such a slacker mom! *said only slightly in mocking manner*
Bren - Mom! This is very important, I must protect my social status...the nest at the top of my tree. *walks off shaking head*
Me - What? Nest at top of tree? *obviously a slacker mom AND clueless!*

Mase: He is so funny these days. When we watch So You Think You Can Dance, he always makes me pause it and then he does his own mocking rendition of the dance. He even pulls the passionate faces and everything. Makes me laugh so hard!

But let's be honest, it wouldn't be my children if there wasn't an off color moment now and then! Sooooo...

The other night we were all kneeling to say prayers. The girls and Mase were kneeling on the beds (Mase was in there just to pray). The Hub asked Mase to say the prayer, and as he is saying it I feel The Hub's body shaking slightly. I opened a squinted eye to see him laughing almost hysterically to himself. I nudged him for being irreverent and let Mase finish his prayer.

After, The Hub explained that, and I quote, "I was fine until I opened my eyes and there was a one eyed monster staring at me from across the bed!" Apparently Mase's boxer shorts didn't quite, how shall we say, provide the modest protection needed. We still get tickled when we kneel for prayers, though we have since bought Mase boxer-briefs to ensure that his sisters don't get completely "grossed out". LOL!!

Kwichie?

2009-11-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

Today coming home from school, Bren was reading to the other two. Here is how it went:

Bren: (reading) "I'm sorry I didn't know you were coming, I would have made you a kwichie..."

Mom: A kwichie?

Bren: Yeah, it says kwichie right here. What's a kwichie, Mom?

Mom: Spell it. (she spells it) HAHAHAHAHHA! Quiche!!

Project 2,996 - 9/11 Tribute

2009-09-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Tara Yvette Hobbs

Today, September 11, 2009, I remember Tara Yvette Hobbs. Tara was 31 when she was prematurely taken from her friends and family. She worked for Aon Corp. on the 98^th floor of Tower 2. She was the youngest of five children growing up and was reportedly very close to her siblings, especially her sister Sherian. Tara, her boyfriend, and Sherian were all three very close and spent a lot of time together and made plans for the future. It seems as though no matter what they did, as long as it was together, that was good for them. According to Legacy.com, Tara was known as the “email queen” because she was always keeping in touch with all the people in her life and loved to get together with friends and family.

As I researched Tara, I noticed that instead of researching a victim, I was getting to know a person. Everything I read about Tara was that she was full of life, fun, vibrant, very social, and seemed to always be surrounded by loved ones. I can’t help but think that Tara would be the type of person I would have loved to have had as a friend. The notes left by loved ones on tribute sites are filled with so much love and kind words that you cannot help but understand what a “bright star” Tara was to the people she knew and loved.

Today, we always look back and remember those souls lost on that September day. I’ve had the honor now to get to know two of them through my participation in Project 2996. And hopefully Tara’s friends and family know that her spirit lives on out here with the rest of us. And through Project 2996 Tara will make new friends every year around this time. I can't help but smile knowing that she would love that!

Tara Hobbs, today you are remembered, though you will never be forgotten.

Top three reasons Jase is up for sale!!

2009-08-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

Number Three: The constant crying and whining coming from this child!! Dear Jase, the world does NOT revolve around you!

Number Two: Farting at almost every opportunity and in front of Heaven and Earth and anyone else in our home or outside of it...then trying to play it off like it was an accident, yet, it rumbled on for 3 minutes. YEAH, that's not an accident!

And NUMBER ONE: Apparently, she slept over with a family that is super close to us last night and after wrestling and beating up the dad, she proceeds to announce: "I'll be back, I have to go to the bathroom and take a Jorge." Jorge is the DAD"S name!!!!!!!!!!

Damn you Uncle Travis...the one who taught her that!!! I should make you PAY to take her and raise her yourself!

4 years later and she finally used it right!

2009-08-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

Remember when Jase was 3 and said, "Mom, you're pissin' over me!"

Well she's 7 now and finally used it right...yesterday she told me, "The cat's still pissed at me, Mom."

My baby's growin up! *sniff*

The Hub Gets Funny!

2009-06-10T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm a dancer, and when I watch SYTYCD I get a little emotional at really moving performances. That's why I try to watch it by myself late at night, so I can cry when I see a beautiful Contemporary routine.

The Hub is NOT a dancer. HAHAHAHAHAH...I have to laugh here because his two favorite moves are the Cowboy (gun hands shooting from the hips) and the Indian (feather hands on top of his head). *sigh*

Tonight I HAD to watch it with him in the room and one of the judges got a little emotional at a performance and The Hub was making fun until he turned to see my eyes all misty too. He was like, "Really??"

Then he closes his eyes emotionally and begins to go into this very "emotional" dance performance for me....needless to say it changed my tears of joy into tears of laughter in a split second.

Thank you honey for all the laughs you provide every single time you try to dance!!
*especially your deeply emotional performances*
Love you!

A New Twist on an Old Game!

2009-05-31T17:33:00.000-07:00

The Hub has the flu so we all went outside to play and give him some quiet time. We ended up playing a game of HORSE in the driveway.

Soon after we started playing Jase was already at H.O. and with her next miss she was at H.O.R.

At this point she lets us all know where she is by announcing loudly, but dead serious, "I'm a HOR....hey did y'all hear, I'm a HOR....Mase, I'm a HOR....Listen to me, I'm a HOR."

Bren and I were laughing so hard at her proclamation to the neighborhood!

The smells of my childhood!

2009-05-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

So we walked past a Lilac bush today and I asked the kids to all bend over and take a deep smell of the exact smell that reminds me of warm sunny days, lying in the cold Spring grass at my grandma's house when I was a child.

It smelled SOOOO good and I was immediately taken back to where I could actually feel the cold grass on the back of my legs while I laid there with my eyes closed listening to the sounds of the neighborhood.

THEN, the Hub says, "When I fart, the smell reminds me of my childhood."

AAAAAAND the moment was over. The kids cracked up and Mom's moment was forgotten. *sigh*

Jase's Brain Size

2009-05-12T20:21:00.001-07:00

Today at soccer practice The Hub was telling Jase to play smart.

Jase: Dad, I'm just a girl.
The Hub: But you have a brain.
Jase: My brain isn't that big yet, Dad, it's only this big *makes a fist size*. I don't have all my ideas yet.

Ode to Uncle Travis!

2009-05-01T15:21:00.001-07:00

I think I've posted about Uncle Travis telling Mase about him going poop and then naming it Mase. *sigh*

Well Uncle Travis...I am now getting you back for teaching my kids crude things!!! I grew tired of the crude ways my kids tell me they are going poop....just GO, don't announce it!

So I have now taught them to tell me they are going poop by simply saying, "Mom/Dad, I'm gonna go make a statue of Uncle Travis." ISN"T THAT GREAT!!! HAHAHHAHAHA! It cracks me up every time too.

*do NOT point out that I taught my kids something crude...I prefer to be ignorant about my hypocrisy.*

I'm hoping for the Chipmunk connection.

2009-04-20T16:04:00.001-07:00

The Hub was helping Jase climb a tree this weekend while the entire neighborhood was in our yard for kickball and other games. Another parent made a comment about Jase being a chipmunk. Then the Hub asked her to let go and she said, "No, I might fall and break my nuts."

I'm sure nuts was a chipmunk connection and not the "other" kind...surely.

Boys will ALWAYS be boys!

2009-04-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

And by that I mean thinking they're funny when they are really just crude...but boy do they make themselves laugh.

Mase and I were talking as I was tucking him in and here was the conversation:

Mase: You're the best mom in the world.
Me: But I'm your only mom.
Mase: And you're the best.
Me: Thank you, Son. I still remember when you were born...such a shock when Dad told me you were a boy (we thought Mase was a girl...95% GIRL said the sonogram). I thought you were a girl.
Mase: I know, but I was a boy...still am, want me to prove it? *giggles uncontrollably*

Such a funny guy....so he thinks.

Just a couple of laughs:

2009-04-13T17:50:00.000-07:00

Mase's friend came to the door and knocked. My mom, who is visiting from Texas, called for Mase to answer the door. Mase took his time, so Mom once again called to him to answer the door for his friend. Mom yelled one more time. Mase came around the corner and looked straight at his grandmother and said in a very agrivated way, "Momma D, you gotta stop being so Texan. Up here, we Michiganians don't just rush to open the door!"

The other day we were riding with a couple of our friend's kids. Their oldest boy is 12 and has quite a mustache for a 12 year old. Mase saw it and said, "You have a mustache!" "Yeah, I'm 12," said the boy. Mase answered, "But Bren is almost 12 and she doesn't have a mustache."
*Bren was very displeased with his observation.*

Mase strikes again!

2009-04-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

Watch out Jase...Mase is giving you a run for your money!!

The other night as I knelt beside my son's bed to listen to his sweet prayers...well here's how it went:

Mase: Dear Heavenly Fath...Um, Mom, I can see your hole. *points to my cleavage*
Me: It's called cleavage. Continue.
Mase: You should wear a bra.
Me: I AM wearing a bra.
Mase: Doesn't look like it.
Me: *shows my bra strap* See!
Mase: Well it sure doesn't cover much.
Me: Prayer, now!

My mom overheard this and was rolling by the time I entered the kitchen.

My NCAA Woes

2009-03-26T05:14:00.000-07:00

After a long day at work,
I come home to relax with a little TV.
But alas I cannot,
For the room is filled with basketball "yippees."

I wake to a beautiful morn,
Enjoying the promises of a new day.
But instead I'm soon frustrated,
At my sons shouts of "hooray!"

Shall I explain to you,
How the Hub records them all?
And now every single game,
Is watched in my home all day long!

My shows are not even on,
And reruns aren't exactly my fave.
And it's not like we're getting family time,
Because Final Four is ALLLL the rave!

Can you tell that I'm growing angry,
And that I should really seek help?
Because if I have to watch one more stupid game,
I may do something I cannot help.

*yes, I rhymed help with help...get over it!*

Apparently this is Mase's week!

2009-03-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

So Mase peed ALLLLL over the toilet and the bathroom floor...grrrrr.

I simply told the Hub to go and show the child how to control his "hose" more efficiently!

Mase was highly offended and told me, "It was my belt's fault! It wouldn't loosen and I couldn't get my thing-a-ma-bob over it!"

I've heard a lot of names for "it" but thing-a-ma-bob is a first for me.

Well, in all honesty...

2009-03-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

...we haven't had a REALLY good post in a while, the kind that embarrass me to NO end, so I guess it was time for one. *sigh*

Mase: (in the primary room at church and out of NO where) Mom, remember when I walked in on you in the bathroom and you had hair down there around your private?

*pray for him please...he may not make it through the day*

Ripley's Believe It Or Not

2009-03-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

The kids are on a Ripley's kick and checked out some kid books at the library.

Jase was showing me the heavily tattooed older woman and The Hub asked, "Maybe that's a shirt and not her skin."

Jase: No it's her skin with tattoos.
The Hub: How do you know?
Jase: See those lines...*points to the woman's cleavage*...shirts don't have those lines like that.

Believe it...or not.

You DON"T want to go to Judy!

2009-01-29T20:44:00.000-08:00

So Jase is explaining to me that she learned about 911 calling in school. Then she goes on to tell me some very interesting "extra" facts about it.

Jase: When bad guys break in, you call 911 so they won't steal your necklaces and earrings, and you give them your address and say come right away! But if you call just to see if they will come and there aren't any bad guys...that's when you go to Judy.

Me: Judy? OHHHH you mean Juvy! *ROFL!!* Where did you hear about Juvy?

Jase: iCarly.

So lesson to all you kiddos out there....you never want to go to Judy!

"Your Fly's a Shoe?"

2009-01-25T17:02:00.000-08:00

Mase came in this morning and The Hub pointed out that his fly was down by saying, "Son, XYZ."

Mase was clueless. The Hub stressed and pointed with his eyes, "XYZ." Again, clueless.

Mase: What are you talking about?
The Hub: Your fly is down, check your fly, XYZ.
Mase: Nooo, you say "your fly is a shoe."

*all of us....what??!!*

Mase: In the movies when someone says "your fly is open" the person looks down at his shoes...so your fly is your shoe.

As you can imagine we will be laughing about this for a LOOOOONG time!

And then she humbles us!

2009-01-04T18:41:00.000-08:00

At the dinner table we have a tradition of going around the table with questions like "If you had a million dollars, what would be the first thing you'd buy?" Each one of us asks a question and then each of us have to answer each question.

Tonight's question from me was "Since we will soon at least not have to worry about money anymore, one less problem, then what BIG thing would you like to do or see or get?"

Mine: I want a cabin somewhere that we own and go to 4 times a year or so with a boat and it be our family tradition.

Bren's: I want to go to Disney World and Universal Studios.

Mase: I wanna go to Sea World.

The Hub's: I want to go on a African safari.

Jase's: I want to buy new scriptures in all different sizes so that we can have a choice and if we need them bigger or smaller we can just have them already and we'll read them more.

*slinks under the table*

And what would Christmas Morning be.....

2008-12-25T18:15:00.000-08:00

...without a little Jase-ism????

Jase opens her stocking and sees lip gloss but it looks a lot like MY concealer.

Jase - Is it for my nipples?
Bren - WHAT? *giggle*
Me - What?
Jase - My nipples on my face. Not the hole ones (remember that she calls dimples, nipples)
*everyone laughs hysterically*
Me - NO...it's lip gloss, not for your PIMPLES. Nipples are on your chest, dimples are the holes in your cheeks, and pimples are the red bumps.
Jase - Ohhhh. It's LIP GLOSS!

The Hub - yeah, and it's not for your nipples, on your chest OR the ones on your face!

My word!!

A Winter Poem

2008-12-16T18:18:00.001-08:00

I just found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It certainly was to me, and it is eloquence without equal. It really captures my own feelings about winter.

'WINTER'

a poem by

Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SHIT, It's Cold!

The End

New way to say "turkey thighs".

2008-11-29T18:08:00.001-08:00

Jase came into the bathroom the other morning while I was getting ready. I was in my pjs, and she sat down to watch me.

Jase: Mom, why is it that when we're kids our legs are short and skinny, and then we grow up and they get taller and taller, and then when we're your age they get really big at the top?

*grumble grumble grumble* Thanks Jase...always there to make me feel good about myself.

Well...hmmmm....ok.

2008-11-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

Mase came upstairs last night to inform me that he won the talent contest between him and his sisters.

Me: Awesome! What did you do?
Mase: I beat boxed and river danced.
Me: (chokes) Ummm...ok....at the same time?
Mase: Of course, they go together really well.

His father is still recovering from the announcement.

Watch out Batman...

2008-10-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

...Random Man strikes again!

Mase was driving home with the Hub and this was the conversation without a single second delay between one question to the next:

M: Dad, how old do you have to be to go in the Army?
H: 18
M: How old was Uncle Danny?
H: 21 I think.
M: How old are you when you go to college?
H: 18, after you graduate HS.
M: When do you graduate high school?
H: 18
M: Do you smoke in college?
H: Some people do.
M: Did you?
H: No.
M: Did you meet Mom in college?
H: No, we met before.
M: Do you know what the scariest city is?
H: No.
M: New York, cuz they use subways and cabs.
H: Oh really.
M: LA and Las Vegas have subways too.
H: Yep, yep they do.

Then the other day Random Man strikes twice in one day!

Mase comes in and says to me, "Mom, how old are you?"
Me: 34
Mase: And now add 7.
Me: Ok, 41.
Mase: RIGHT...that means you don't know how to wrestle! *walks off*

Then:

I was putting on my makeup and Mase comes in to pee. While peeing he says, "Mom why do girls wipe their privates?"
Me: Because we have to....
Mase: (interupts and while still peeing) Because you don't have a penis to direct it?
Me: Yes, exactly.
Mase: Does it run down your leg?
Me: Well no, not if we're sitting down....but it does need to be wiped....just because, Mase.
Mase: Oh, ok. *shakes it off, zips, and walks out*

And apparently Random Man has a sidekick called Random Little Sis:

Dad, I just thought of this, dark people are brown and brown people are dark and that means they can't hear.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY CHILDREN???? They make good grades, have friends, play sports....but apparently have super human random powers!

Demonstrators??

2008-10-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

Mase asked yesterday morning "are we Republican or Demonstrator?"

*snicker*

I'm so confused...but if you think it makes sense...

2008-10-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

Mase says to me tonight:

Mom, you're 34 right? (yes) Okay so then add 7 years. (ok 41) Right, 41, so that means you don't know how to wrestle.

*crickets chirping*

Theeeee Talk!

2008-09-20T20:04:00.001-07:00

I had to have the "talk" with Bren not too long ago since her school shows the video in FOURTH grade. *eyeroll*

Her response after: "You did that....THREE times?"

My response: "Yes....only three...once for each kid."

*snicker*

Well at least he's blunt.

2008-09-03T13:54:00.000-07:00

We were out for supper last night and Bren was torturing Mase. He HATES it when she tortures him by being annoying. It went on for a while with us getting onto her and him for rude comments and her behavior.

It finally settled down and Mase turns to me and says, "Mom, will you just kill her?" He was so 'matter of fact' about it and dead serious...it was so funny! He did get in trouble for saying it but Bren can be such a turd!!

I'll never look at a corn field the same way again.

2008-08-12T17:04:00.000-07:00

As we're headed to Texas, driving past corn field after corn field in Illinois, Jase decides she needs to go to the bathroom RIGHT THEN. After explaining that we can pull over to let her pee on the side of the road...not a gas station for miles....she tells us that she needs to go #2, not pee.

So we tell her she'll have to wait til a station appears.

Her respons, "I can just poop in the corn."

The Hub's response to that, "Which is ironic if you think about it...usually you relate them the other way around."

Yeah, think on that one for a second......I see the wheels turnin'....uh huh....yep you got it.....classic right?

The very rarely seen and easily spooked Butt-Ox!

2008-07-08T23:49:00.000-07:00

Bren thinks she's pretty clever lately.

The other day she came into the kitchen and I was bent over cleaning up something and I heard her whispering behind me in an English accent:

"Now, we have to be very careful so as not to spook it, but this is the rarely seen Butt-Ox. Famous for the noises it makes..."

It went on for a while.

Then tonight she and I were sitting on the couch watching our Bravo shows and she farts rather loudly and immediately spanks her butt and says "Vina, that is enough! You calm down!"

Me: Did you just name your butt MY name?
Bren: Yep...it fits.

Again, I love being the "butt" of her jokes. Pun intended.

Oh and a BIG thank you to Uncle Travis for teaching our kids to come out of the bathroom and say to someone "I just went poop and when I was done I turned around and named it (insert person's name)". That one NEVER gets old around here apparently!

Good luck with that Jase!

2008-06-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

Mase has been learning some colorful ways to refer to his "parts" by the little neighborhood boys. His latest referal is "my nuts."

Jase was getting into the bath the other night and talking to the Hub:

Jase: Dad, why does Mase call his things his nasty nuts?
Hub: Well he says nuts, not nasty nuts, but that's a crude way to say it.
Jase: Today he said he has nuts in his penis. That's disgusting! When I grow up and get married, my husband will NOT have nasty nuts in his penis! That's disgusting!

Never a dull moment....still....never....no matter how old they get.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MASE MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

He's a grown man!

2008-06-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

Mase woke up disoriented the other night and the Hub took him to the potty to pee. Jase was still awake and was being nosey as usual.

Mase was sitting on the toilet (after trying to pee in the shower and then ON the toilet seat) and the Hub asked him where his underwear were.

Jase pipes in, "Dad, he's a grown man....he doesn't wear underwear anymore!"

Travis, Matt, Monty, Byron.....are you guys going commando and I never realized?

A Funny From Extended Family.

2008-05-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

My niece's family were chit chatting about some "dirty" words one of her daughters had heard that day. One happened to be sperm. Her 2nd oldest daughter asked what that was and her husband responded that "it's basically tadpoles." This was the WRONG child to say that to, because she immediately said "Oh I want sperm!" Then the dad said, "You can't, only boys have them." Her reply, "Well that's just unfair!"

I can't take then ANYWHERE!

2008-05-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

Ya know, I try to be a classy lady. I try to keep up appearances. But when you have a family like mine, it is utterly impossible to hide who we really are deep down inside.

Today we went to eat at a really nice restaurant. The table next to us was rather close to ours and it was pretty quiet in there so we could hear each other's conversations.

My mom mentioned that she heard that the Hub ate Oriental Salad (a big feat for someone who hates veggies period) and his loud reply was "yeah but my bowels have been messed up ever since." *cricket chirp*
I wanted to crawl under the table.

Oh and of course it couldn't stop there. Jase goes to the potty and returns to announce LOUDLY (just like her daddy!) that "I went number 2!"

Yep! We were the that family tonight. I try soooooo hard!

Mase got his first cup!

2008-04-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

And every single Friday night and Saturday morning he's walking around the house, in his jock & cup, telling us to "go ahead, hit me in the private, it won't hurt me!"

Okay, you forced my hand.

2008-04-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

Deleted to maintain funny atmosphere. I'd rather be funny than pissy anyway!

We're knee deep in funny around here!

2008-04-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

The latest catastrophies:

1. I went to lunch with a good friend and luckily she's a bit irreverent because Jase found it necessary to draw a pic of me and it happened to be a nude pic....frontal view, complete with hair. THAT CHILD!!! She hasn't seen me naked in 3 years!!!

2. I was bent over washing Mase's hair the other night, and I had a low cut shirt on. He politely, very politely, asked me "Mom, why do your boobies look like a butt sometimes?" Cleavage lesson number one!

3. On the way home from picking up our dog that was spade, the kids were asking what a uterus was. I was explaining all about spading and neutering. I then explained that human boys don't get their testicles cut off, just animals. This is what followed:

Mase - What are testicles again.....oh yeah that round thing under my penis.
Me - Yeah but you have TWO of them. *giggles from girls*
Mase - (very seriously while looking out the window) I know...I played with them once.
Me - (trying not to laugh with the girls so as not to encourage them) Oh really?
Mase - Yep, I played dodgeball...tried to make one hit the other one in that sack their in.....but it hurt so I quit.
*girls lose it here and there is just no controlling them*

Why Jase won't wear mascara ever.

2008-03-18T18:16:00.000-07:00

So Jase was watching me put on makeup and when I started putting on mascara she said, "I won't ever wear that, because when I'm older, and I have a son, he will turn 4, and then he will push me because he didn't mean to, and I will poke myself in the eye. So I will never wear that."

The funniest metaphor ever!

2008-03-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

So I called my mom and said "why didn't you tell me you got snow? I saw Aimee's pics, how much did y'all get?"

She replied, "It's already gone, Aimee got more, and besides I wasn't going to call you about 3 inches when you maintain 8 or more. That would be like you having a million bucks and I call to brag about finding $50."

Daddy wears panties!

2008-03-02T17:16:00.000-08:00

Jase came into the bathroom last Sunday and I asked her if she changed her panties since she hadn't had a bath the night before. She said yes, "Daddy changed them."

Me: Did you have skidmarks in them?
Her: NO! I wipe good Mom! *thinks for a minute* But then I changed Dad's panties and there were marks in them...he does NOT wipe good Mom!

Holy Sarah?

2008-02-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

Mase was in sunday school and the teacher held up a picture of the nativity scene and asked if someone could tell the story.

Mase raised his hand and proceeded to explain how Joseph and "Sarah" had baby Jesus. The teacher said "Mary" to correct him and he said "oh yeah, Sarah is the other story." What???

Jase's grandma sent her some silly putty and she calls it "fuzzy nuzzy". LOL! She keeps asking to play with her fuzzy nuzzy.

Now for a sweet story: Bren has a couple of boys crushing on her at church. They have signals to tell when she's coming into the room. LOL The other day one of the moms brought the paper to church to give me the pic of Bren (she was in it for a school thing) and when she opened it the pic was missing and had been cut out. She later found it in her son's room with hearts on it. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! My little girl has admirers!

Jase reads her fortune!

2008-01-21T11:26:00.000-08:00

We ate out the other night and we always enjoy fortune cookie time.

Jase opens hers and says read this mom. It said "because of your kindess you will have great success."

Jase yells LOUDLY, "because of my kindness I'm gonna have great sex!"

Oh my word!

Bren made a funny!

2008-01-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

I came into the living room and sat down on the couch and my dog got up and ran real fast away...she was on the couch.

Bren: Man Mom, did you scare her? Did your bum say "boo"?

BWAAHAAAHAA

J'isms.

2007-12-21T21:35:00.001-08:00

That's what we are now calling Jase's performances....using the word lightly right there.

Today:

She stuck her butt in the fireplace and tooted and said "I'm sending it up to Heaven through the chimney so the stink doesn't stay in the house."

She also was trying to tell her friend to stop mimmicking her but she kept saying IN FRONT of EVERYONE, "stop being a midget!"

Her latest stunt is to fart like a trucker and say ever so sweetly, "That was for you Mom, and I wrapped it up in a bow."

Someone help me....I need therapy I think.

Prayer Violence

2007-12-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

We were kneeling for family prayer and I was petting our dog so she wouldn't think we were in the floor to play with her. The Hub, being quite a smarty pants, decided to start petting me during the prayer. I punched him in the stomach for being so irreverent.

So Bren, who was saying the prayer, said "and please help us be reverent during prayer and stop having prayer violence." ROFL!!!

When you're dh is a med student...

2007-12-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

...these are his "welcome home" greetings:

Jase: Hey Dad!
Hub: Hey baby girl.
Jase: Did you touch blood today?
Hub: Yep.
Jase: Did you touch guts?
Hub: No, not today.
Jase: Did you touch guts with your hands?
Hub: Nope, not today.

Moments like this make it all worth it.

2007-12-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

I opened the fridge this morning to see a note near the milk, addressed:

To Mom...I love you.

Inside it read:

Dear Mom,

I am thankful that you are my mom. Thank you for all your very good dinners. And thank you for letting me have my own room.

*sniff* I absolutely love that girl!!!!!

2007-11-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

Sooooo....we had our homestudy this past month (we're trying to adopt...FYI). And we didn't want to talk to the kids about "not saying stuff that is outrageous and untrue" because that would only ensure that they said something outrageous and untrue. *sigh*

But I soon learned that...given ANY opportunity...Jase is always there to keep us on our toes!

When the case worker asked her if she's excited about adopting a sibling she replied, "Yeah, but my daddy spanks me all the time. He spanked me from Texas, to Canada, to Saint Maarten, back to Texas, and all the way to Michigan. He just spanks me hard and all the time."

Where is that "pass out" icon! Fortunately, the case worker had enough sense to ask if he spanked her that week, and she said, "No....not for a while." And we all laughed. The funny thing....she hadn't had a spanking in MONTHS! And usually, it's Mom that spanks her...not Dad who tends to favor her.

Good grief!

On the way to church.

2007-10-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

On our way to a chili cook off today this was the conversation in our van:

Mase: Mom, why do I have to call it my private?
Me: Because it is your private area.
Mase: But Jase and Bren have privates, mine is different cuz I'm a boy.
Me: Ok what do you want to call it.
Mase: My weiner.
(*snickers and snorts*)
Me: That's not very nice so how about your penis.
Mase: That's what I pee out of but what about those bubbles under it...they're balls right?
(*louder snickers and snorts*)
Me: Yes, but let's call them testicles.
Mase: So penis and tecticles...okay that works.

Jase: But he does have balls, Mom, and they are under his weiner.

(*rolling laughter by this time*)

Will we ever outgrow the penis and ball joke stage? Ugh!

A Good Way to Die.

2007-09-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

Bren and I were watching Survivor the other night and I noticed this particularly muscular guy on there ( the gravedigger if you watch). Bren mentioned how muscley he was and I think I might have howled or barked or even clapped and whistled at some point...I don't remember exactly.

Bren said, "yeah but if he hugs you he will squish you to death."
I said, "I KNOW!" Perhaps a little too over the top happy now that I look back.
Bren sat and thought for a while and then said, "yeah it would be a good way to die, huh."

Yes, Bren, yes it would.

Save them from extinction!!

2007-07-30T13:32:00.001-07:00

So I've been lazy the last few days and we've had a ton of hot dogs and chicken nuggets.

Bren walks in today and saw the nuggets in the pan and said, "Um Mom...seriously, you're gonna put hot dogs and chicken nuggets on the endangered list soon. Can we give them a chance to make more before we wipe them out of existence completely?"

Smart mouthed little brat!

Get your priorities straight, Illinois!

2007-06-06T09:15:00.000-07:00

Right when we crossed into Illinois on our road trip, we stopped at a gas station for drinks. Bren asked for a YooHoo. I went in and the lady had NO idea what that even was. *gasp* I refrained from exclaiming, "You don't know what a bottle of chocolatey watery goodness is???!!!!"

So I got in the car and told Bren they didn't know what a YooHoo was. Then about an hour down the road we passed a Hooters:

Bren *completely disgusted* - "OH! They don't know what a YooHoo is but they sure know what Hooters is!! Way to go, Illinois!!"

Um, Bren, how do YOU know what Hooters is? LOL!

Because I'm Republican I'm Automatically Stupid?

2007-05-29T15:59:00.000-07:00

That's apparently what Donald Trump thinks. When asked to comment on the Rosie/Elizabeth fiasco, Mr. Furry Head himself said (and I paraphrase), "Elizabeth is already known as the dumbest person on television...blah blah blah...she's for the war....and she's really over her head on most subjects." OH.MY.GOSH.

I am just so damn tired of Hollywood's Democrats referring to anyone Republican as ignorant, stupid, dumb, etc. I usually shy away from political rants for several reasons, but today, my friends, is NOT that day. Buckle up...it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

First and foremost, let's get to the main point. It's the lesser of two evils either way you go. There's just as much voodoo coming from the Democratic party as there is the Republican. So what makes a Democrat feel as if he/she is on such a higher plane than their counterparts? I have no answer to that, but that's been the trend for a very very long time, and now Hollywood is shouting it out loud...taunting Republicans.

Now here's where I really want to take this rant: In no way form or fashion do I want ANYONE in the entertainment business to use their entertainment "platform" to go off on some political tangent. You're paid to ENTERTAIN....shut the hell up and do so! I have to listen to politicians enough...I should NOT have to hear it at the Academy Awards, during performances on talk shows, or during concerts. And I should NEVER have to hear it on a day time talk show, where two women who know NOTHING of politics lose their senses and nearly claw each other's eyes out. Wait...now the eye clawing WOULD be entertaining.

Anyone else tired of Hollywood and the entertainment industry moonlighting as a team of political experts? Anyone else find this absolutely ridiculous and exhausting all at the same time?

So I say to them...to those fine souls who found Hollywood not as fulfilling as the political careers they really dream about (yeah let's see them give up their millions to become a politician...hahahahaha!):

If you don't like our president....FINE...just don't sing about it!
If you want to call America a terrorist country...FINE...just do it off air!
If you hate the war in Iraq...FINE...just don't drone on and on and on, endlessly, about it!

In short....just shut the hell up and ENTERTAIN me! That's all I want out of you...nothing more, and nothing less.

And I'll let the "your dumb if your Republican" theory go...it's impossible to fight pure ignorance.

There...rant over.

Moving!!

2007-05-16T08:30:00.000-07:00

We're off to Michigan in the next two weeks so I won't post until I get all settled in. I'm SURE some funnies will happen in that span of time...my kids ALWAYS deliver. *sigh*

See in two weeks!!

It's The Little Things.

2007-04-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

The funniest thing that happened this week in our home:

Mase discovered that his winker floated in the bathtub, and when you push it down, it comes right back to the top.

Oh there's more, Jase decided to inform the Head Start class about her brother's discovery.

*PROUD MOMMY MOMENT ALERT*

A Moment of Silence....

2007-04-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Taking a break from comedy today to send some prayers to the Virginia Tech facutly, students, and their families.

Those "GET NO WHERE" conversations!!

2007-03-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

My kids are PROS at them! For example, I have chosen just two of the many we had this week:

The first is just cute! Jase and her cousin Carly were playing together and they both have speech issues and don't pronounce their Rs. But they're 4, so who cares for now. Anyway, this is their conversation:

J - Look Cawly, thwow that wock.
C - That? That's a wock.
J - No, Cawly, it's called a wock.
C - No, JJ it's a WOCK.
J- NO, IT'S A WOCK!
C- A WOCK!
J- You talk funny. (then walks away) ROFL!!

Then my Mase is asking when his baseball starts:

Me- Tomorrow.
Him- Is tomorrow the next day?
Me- Yes, tomorrow.
Him- So tomorrow is the next day?
Me- Yes, honey, it's tomorrow.
Him- So when we wake up it's tomorrow?
Me- Yep. (ahh we're understanding each other)
Him- So it's the next day?
Me- (spoke too soon) YES (ok calm down) Yes, son, it's the next day....tomorrow IS the next day.
Him- (thinking) So when I wake up, it's tomorrow?
Me- YES! YES! TOMORROW WHEN YOU WAKE UP IT WILL BE THE NEXT DAY AND THAT WILL BE TOMORROW!

And that seemed to please him....however, I was breathing heavy and foaming at the mouth! AAARRRGGGHHHH!

It's me...I'm the idiot!

2007-02-26T07:49:00.000-08:00

So it's really rare that I am the funny one, and when I am it is usually due to stupidity rather than comic genius.

Having said that: I was running a garage sale with my mom and it is tradition that we make a run for Daylight Donuts as soon as the sun comes up. After all, you're up anyway due to those super duper committed shoppers (aka cheap skate fanatics) that show up at SIX AM!!!

So my dad comes back with the donuts and Yoohoos. Now, what's the FIRST thing you do to a Yoohoo.....YOU SHAKE IT. You have to get all that chocolaty goodness off the bottom. Little did I know, my mother (being the sweet mother that she is *sigh*) opened MY YOOHOO and handed it to me. She shook it first of course.

However.....when someone hands you a Yoohoo, and you are trying to explain something to a cheapskate that wants to talk you down from A DOLLAR......what do you do? You don't look to see that the Yoohoo is already open....that's just silly!

So YES, I shook the Yoohoo RIGHT INTO MY FACE! Almost half the bottle ended up in my hair, my nose, and all over the stupid trinket that the cheap skate customer wanted for 25 cents. Of course all 15 people, including my own flesh and blood mother and the customer that I wanted to shove the dadgum trinket down her throat, laughed laughed laughed.

Yep, laugh at the idiot woman who shook a Yoohoo in her own face! Oh that's some funny stuff! In fact, TBS would say, "I think you definitely have a hilarious moment there....have yourself a really good laugh."

I'll wait til you're finished laughing.

Bren's Going on Vacation...HAHAHAHA

2007-01-24T14:02:00.000-08:00

She opened her Happy Meal and in the toy there was a "ticket".
"MOM! I won a trip to Authen City!"

I hated having to break the news to her! ROFL!!

*FTR: the Charlotte's Web toys come with Certificates of Authenticity.*

We're Funny Again--Thanks for the prayers!

2007-01-19T23:12:00.000-08:00

So my VERY redneck dad is in trouble...here's why:

Jase: I have a boyfriend (she's 4)
Mase: Who? (6yrs)
Jase: TJ
Mase: He's brown...you can't date brown people.
Jase: Yes I can!
Mase: NO you can't...you can be friends, but you cannot date or marry a different color!
Mom: (overhearing the above) Excuse me! Who told you THAT?
Mase: Grandpa.
Mom: Well you listen to me....(begins 30 minute lecture about how we are ALL God's children...which I think I lost him after the 1st 10...but he got the point)

Later:
Me: Umm....Dad, we need to talk.
Dad: What.
Me: Stop teaching my children your racist redneck ways...I hate them and I will not have you teaching them that!
Dad: (well I really cannot write what he said or what I said back or what he said then and then what I replied with....you get the point.

And that is what I have been up against all my life....my Dad is very set in his old ways of thinking and we butt heads about it often. But I think I made my point as far as my OWN children go. We'll see.

2007-01-04T16:45:00.001-08:00

Not a lot of fun going on here right now. Prayers would be appreciated.

Funnies of the week!

2006-12-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

Jase: When I was subbing this week the principle came into my room after school was out and I was cleaning up. Jase was in with me and he said to her..."wow you are very pretty! what cute dimples!"

To which Jase replied, *sigh* "Hey mista! I don't have nipples!!"

Mase: His FAVORITE thing to do is to call my name a million times until I finally answer him. Well I had been getting mad and eventually yelling "WHAT???" at him. So he found a way to break me by answering my mean yelling "WHAT?!" with "I just wanted to say I love you." *gulp*

Bren: HAD to have a bra....had to have one. Her nipples were rubbing against her shirt and she is sensitive there. So we got her one...well one of those little girl ones. So in the middle of her basketball game she runs over to me in the stands and I am thinking "what are you doing??"

She reaches in her shirt and takes her bra out through her sleeve and hands it to me....saying "here, I forgot to take it off."

Me: Um Bren, it's and athletic bra, you were supposed to wear it in the game.
Her: (looking at me like I'm an idiot) MOM! Ugh...nevermind just take it.

LOL....still haven't figured out that one!

The Neighbor Kid From Hell!

2006-11-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

So we just moved into our new house. The kids and I are really loving it.
Then my ds meets this boy that he knows from school...YAY he has a friend his own age! NOT! This kid needs a spankin and I may just do it and risk getting arrested!

My oldest, Bren, comes in and says,
"Ok Mom, this kid is out of control...he said crap about 50 times, he tried to kick Mase in the nuts and said "NUTS", and the clencher....he said my dog was ugly! Get rid of him or I'm gonna punch his lights out!"

Well, first, her dog is ugly...so the kid is being honest there. LOL But I get onto him and then he behaves.

Well this morning, I get up and let the ugly dog out...hee hee...and just as I shut the door and turn around IT OPENS! The little butthead just walks in, and luckily I was wearing PJs!! I told him how rude that was and sent him on his way and I think he is terrified to come over anymore, but GEE WIZ!

I never would have imagined such a small little boy could be such a pain in my butt!

OH MY GOSH...Call in the Speech Therapist!

2006-10-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

So Jase can't say her Rs. No problem AT ALL until we come to the word "PURSE"! Yep, use your imagination people!

So she goes around telling everyone that I bought Bren a **** and not her and that she doesn't have a ****.

My dad is still laughing about it!

And to answer a question from my last post....actually YES I am missing the ocean. Of course it might be because I am sitting here in 36 degree weather with a mother going through radiation who is having hot flashes so she's freezing out the rest of us. LOL But I do miss the sound of the ocean, the beauty and power of it, and the fun we had at the beaches. But I'll take my cold and sore throat ANYDAY over having to spend one more day on that stupid island. LOL

Jase Did It!

2006-10-12T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well Jase did it! She snuck a bottle of kid perfume in a bag and the security in Puerto Rico gave me the WHAT FOR! I was already running late for my plane and then I was held up.....grrrrrr!

So when they pulled it out Jase said "That's my makeup!" *all smiles* But the security guy wasn't all smiles at all. I felt like an idiot for not knowing what my kids packed.....it was a winning moment!

Big Ol Brain Fart

2006-09-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

So my dh is a med student....which apparently can ruin your brain. LOL This was our conversation yesterday.

Hub: You know how they say "a,e,i,o,u, and sometimes y"....I can't think of a time when it isn't a vowel.
(notice the bold Ys)
Me: You can't? Hmmm...Yesterday....Yellow....Yak....Yolk....YoYo....

Hub: Ok...OK. (feeling stupid)

Me: So was that enough for You?

Hub: Yes. (sulks off)

*snicker*

How Does It Look?

2006-09-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

My blog that is? I thought it appropriate since we are ocean junkies for the time being. But it was super hard figuring it out on my own...I might have said a bad word or two.

So my Kid Funny does NOT come from my own kids today....it comes from a little boy I babysit. He is 6, with a thick Polish accent (think Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory), and he looks like a 70 yr old man LOL.

He LOVES women!! Seriously, I can sometimes feel him undressing me with his eyes and it is VERY unnerving! He's a sweet little boy but man is he a dirty little thing already.

So he was with his parents on the French side of the island, and they were standing near a group of 3 French women, nearly naked. So this little boy goes over to the women and circles them, drooling, and saying "oh sexy...hot mama" and other things. And before his dad could discipline him, he landed a big wet kiss on one of their butts. His parents were horrified, the women were laughing, and he was being dragged off...tongue to his knees...smiling a drunk little smile.

I am SOOOOOO glad I was not the one with him! But we seriously sit in Time Out 4 or 5 times a week due to him trying to kiss my girls or for calling me Sexy. *sigh* My oldest dd blacked his eye by moving at the very last minute when he closed his eyes and went in for the kiss...he landed in a pucker on a chair with his head. Poor little guy! LOL

In Honor of 9/11...

2006-09-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

Christopher Hugh Forsythe

Christopher Hugh Forsythe was 44 years old when he died in the Twin Towers 5 years ago this month. He had moved to Basking Ridge, New Jersey, just three years prior, but Chris had worked in places such as Madrid and Mexico before settling in New Jersey. He was originally from Longon, England. Chris worked as a Foreign Exchange Money Broker employed by Cantor Fitzgerald.

It took 3 alarm clocks to wake Chris up in the morning. His wife, Tessie Molina, would tease him about his morning waking habits. Between the two they had two teenagers: Mrs. Molina's son, Jose, and Chris' daughter, Kirsten. The couple mainly spoke Spanish in the home, though it took Chris a while to catch up to Tessie's speed in the language.

You couldn't help but be humbled by all the comments left on various sites on the internet about Chris. One friend, simply labeled Mark, says of Chris and a friend that died along with Chris that day, "again what can one say about "fosdick" [Chris] when i entered the city in 1986. he along with the sadly missed cossack, took me for my 1st lunch...the city sadly lacks characters like these... " On another site, I suddenly found it hard to swallow that lump in my throat when I found regularly posted messages from Kirsten to her father. During my research I tried to keep emotions out and take an objective approach, but after learning of Chris' character and of how many people loved him, I couldn't help but feel sorry for those he left behind. Chris was a good man...you can't research him and not learn that.

It is an honor to be a part of this wonderful tribute to those that fell 5 years ago on American soil. I knew no one on a personal basis that died on 9/11, though I cried for all those that lost their lives. However, after this, I will now carry Chris with me. And just like all the others, his spirit lives on in the voices and memories of his friends and loved ones. It is our duty as Americans to take the time to remember them...it is the very least we can do.

Where ever you are Christopher, you are loved and missed greatly!

__________________________________________________________________

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2001/memorial/people/2580.html
http://www.legacy.com/Sept11.asp?Page=TributeStory&PersonId=145322
http://www.september11victims.com/september11victims/VictimInfo.asp?ID=1093

To view the entire list of the 2996 that are being honored this month, please visit:
http://www.dcroe.com/2996/?page_id=2

Let's talk smells....

2006-09-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Today I was putting on my makeup in the bathroom and Jace comes in to potty. A few minutes pass and I say, "whoa, you stink!"

Her innocent reply, "No Mom! My body smells good...it's my butt that stinks."

LOL!!

Bren is out of character and not performing much this week. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and Bren wanted to know the truth so I told her. And today her hero fell...Steve Irwin. She learned from him, loved him, and idolized him. He is the reason I have had to practically give CPR to all dying creatures around my house for the past several years. So between the death of her hero and having to face the mortality of her closest grandma...she is in need of prayers and thoughts. She asked me through tears if she could write a letter to Steve's family thanking him for teaching her...gulp...now how can I turn her down!

Get 'em Where it Hurts!

2006-08-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

And that is EXACTLY what it did too!

We went swimming yesterday and my little Mase was stung by a jellyfish on his penis and down his scrotum! Yep! I felt so BAD for him. The stupid thing swam up there and got him good!

He came out of the water and ran toward me with his suit dropped to the groung and package in hand screaming. It was all red and swollen...and I am a bad mom and forgot the vinegar! Duh!

He is better today...but he said he wants a speedo for a swimsuit like the French kids so, and I quote, "nothing can get in there and sting my stuff!"

In Case You Didn't Know....

2006-08-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

My younger two NEVER actually peed the bed. They "sweated".

That's what Mase and Jace have always claimed when they woke up to a wet bed..."I didn't pee pee, I sweated cuz I was hot."

So the Hub had to go sleep with Mase the other night cuz he was having a bad dream and I wasn't budging from my soft bed. In the morning both he and Mase were sopping wet (the Hub let him have a drink after 9pm...duh).

I asked the Hub what happened, and he said, "Mom, Mase and I sweated on the sheets cuz it was super hot in here." The deadpan look cracked me up! My two boys standing in their wet underwears looking guilty as heck...one for supplying the drink and the other for "sweating" in the bed...it was a Kodak moment!

I'm sorry...But did that just come from YOU??

2006-08-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

I will admit it...though not proudly...we are a gassy family. No really, you have NO idea!

I being the least mind you, the other four are totally Truckers! Even our cat Kiko can run you out of the room.

Let me elaborate. One day while traveling home from church, all of a sudden this thumping starts. The Hub is looking around at the car, I am with him thinking "Oh no...another flat!" The noise grows louder and we actually start to pull over. Only now the whole back seat is suddenly roaring with laughter...and as the laughter grows the thumping gets faster and is finally recognizable.

Me: Bren! WAS THAT YOU?????
The Hub: NO WAY! That was HER?
Bren: (laughing uncontrollably) Uh huh! (tears are streaming from her eyes)

Seriously, we actually thought we should have her examined by a doctor after that. The Hub still high fives her for it. *sigh*

Oh ok...here's another one. The Hub lets one go one day and my son, Mase, yells out: "Hey! That sounded like that duck!"
Bren: Oh yeah it did! Aflack! (said in her best impression)

Oh then we had laughing and more attempts at recreating the "aflack duck" sound AND NOT WITH THEIR MOUTHS! *yet another sigh* Did I mention the Hub is in on it? I didn't...well he is.

Even my 4 yr old Jace passes gas like a big ole Truck Stop Trucker...on command...*sniff*

The only time I really enjoy them damaging the Ozone with their trumpeting is when we are around the Hub's parents...who don't draw attention to such things, even when my mother in law let's them slip all the time and everyone in the room keeps deadpan faces. Because it is MY children (said proudly now) that point it out.

"Eww grandma you pooted!" "Grandma pooted!"

Oh yes, revenge is so very very sweet! (my thought as I exclaim "children, that is rude, stop that"...but I put little effort in stopping them. *evil giggle*)