Stripper Songs

So we're watching American Idol and Mase is humming. I realize suddenly that he's singing that stupid stripper song...thanks rappers everywhere for your disgusting contribution to society and your booty bouncing slutty women *throws up in mouth*!

Conversations ensues:

Me - SON! You cannot sing that song!

Mase - Why?

Me - It's about strippers! (trying not to yell)

Mase - *blank stare*

Me - Do you know what a stripper is?

Mase - They dance on stage and strip to their bra and panties.

Me - (OMG! HE KNOWS HE KNOWS! okay stay calm...breathe....don't ask who told him, you might kill the kid) Yes, but they strip NAKED, son, NAKED. They show everything that Heavenly Father gave them to a clapping audience.

Jase - (obviously listening in...SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE!) Ew! I would never do that.

Me - WELL I SHOULD HOPE NOT! (any hopes of not yelling clearly gone)


*later I would find out that BREN told Mase the words to the song...my own child...pray for her..."

HILARIOUS Blogger!

A friend shared this with me and I had to share it here. Literally the funniest thing I've read in a long time. But I must confess...I'm the guilty party she's talking about. Except that I don't bake, or sew, or knit, or do anything else homemakey. However, I am an overachieving Elf mom. *hangs head in shame*

Laugh your butt off here!

Let's play "What's Under the Bed!"

Me: Bren, you have to clean your room!

Bren: I did.

Me: Whatever, let me see. *finds clean room* Huh, nice. What about the dirty clothes stuffed under the bed?

Bren: Not clothes, just dirty underwear, I'll get them out later.

Me: Let's pretend it's later and get them out now.

Bren: Even better, let's pretend I never said what was under there.

Smooth.

And that's why I'm a proud Momma!

Now, while I do love a good Ringling Circus, I think I may have "stepped in it" by taking my kids this last Saturday.

Today Mase announces:

"Hey Mom, I decided, if I don't get into Harvard, Yale, MIT, or Stanford, I'm gonna go to Clown College or become a Ring Master."

*silence for The Hub and I*..............................................................................................................

ATTENTION ALL WOMEN!!!

This is VERY important!

When you wear high heels, for the love of everything Holy, do NOT have dirty legs!

Because, in case you didn't know, "if you have dirty legs and wear high heels then you're a hooker!"

Thank you, Jase, for keeping us off the streets and well aware!

We are officially a FEATHER FREE family!

That's right...even though I am a hair stylist, my girls have outlawed feather extensions and are now on a mission to stop the injustice!

Here's what happened:

We went to Claire's today to buy a gift for someone. Bren asked the salesperson if they had feathers in stock.

"No, but we will in a couple of weeks. We have to wait for the birds to mature first."

*****************************SILENCE*****************************************

Bren: Birds...mature....what do you mean?

Me: Bren, where do you think they get the feathers? They get them from farms that raise birds to eat and then they use the feathers too.

Bren: WHAT??? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME???

**insert major outburst about hating the store mixed with comments from me about the birds are going on the dinner plate anyway**

So fast forward to now, Bren is making a sign for our front lawn that says "Don't buy feather extensions, they kill the birds just so you can look cool!"

And then this...

Mase: Wait, I don't understand, why can't they just keep the naked chicken as a pet.

*I'm still recovering from that one*

When times get rough...Jase is always there for a laugh!

Tension has been high in our home for a couple of months now. But Jase is always there to break the tension with fits of laughter. God bless that child!

Bren, Jase and I were in the kitchen and they were watching me as I cooked. Out of no where Jase says "Mom, you know how some people have a bootie chin, well you have a nose like that. It has two little humps with a dent in the middle."

*Bren is already choking with laughter...shut up Bren!*

"Um, did you just call my nose a 'butt nose'"?

Jase, "Yep."

Bren, "Jase, that was mean."

*Um trying to take up for me through fits of laughter is NOT working!*

Me, "Hey if I can live with the nickname I had growing up, then I can live with having a butt nose I guess."

*My name happens to rhyme with vagina...oh ok...no really, take your time and get it all out...laugh your butt off....better? Let's move on shall we.*

Jase is laughing at that. So Bren says, "you don't even know what vagina means."

Jase, "Yes I do! It's your girl stuff!" *so there!*

Me, "Yes it is the correct term for your girl stuff, like penis is the correct word for boy stuff."

Jase, "But wanker is WAAAY more fun to say!"

*Ahhh, moments like this are moments I treasure!*