Thursday, November 04, 2010

THIS JUST IN: Raisins can cause dogs to kill cats.

A friend and I were discussing our pets and I was telling her how I heard that raisins and grapes can actually be very dangerous to dogs. I said that raisins and grapes can cause severe kidney damage when ingested.

Mase, who was listening, said, "Raisins can cause dogs to chase and kill cats?"


Mase: "You said raisins can cause severe kitty damage."

I see a new fwd email going around soon for to get a hold of!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I recommend starting your day with a little sex talk.

As we were getting ready for school we were watching an animal bloopers show. Somewhere in there is asked the age old question "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Mase says: Andrew (a friend) said all girls are born with an egg in their body that will one day become a baby.
Jase: It's true, but it's called a sack Mase, and I have one.
Mase: So Jase has a baby in her belly waiting?
Me: No, girls have a type of egg in their bodies that could one day become a baby.
Jase: (holding circled fists to her belly) See I have eggs right here!

Thank goodness no one asked how those eggs get fertilized!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Do you pee in the shower? And can your winky dance?

I was getting the shower ready for Mase, and a typical male, he just comes in and shucks his clothes. My girls hide and ask me to turn around, HELLO, we have the same body parts! But my boy goes all "nudist colony" on me any chance he has.

First, I see movement out of the corner of my eye and turn around to see my son twirling his "winky" in circles with his hips. He giggles and says, "Cool huh, I just started doing that."

*yep, real cool son.*

Then, he gets in the shower and I go to step out, then remember that I need to remind him to use SHAMPOO when he shampoos his hair and that water and rubbing is not washing hair. I open the curtain and he's peeing in the shower. "Ewww! Stop that!" But he just giggles and says, "If I get out I get water all over the floor, and then you gripe because I got water all over the floor."

:| *ahhh, look who's a smarty pants all of a sudden*

"So go before you get in."

"I didn't need to go until the water hit it."

I'll admit, I totally lost that battle of wits.

Not funny at all!

Bren has learned how to pit The Hub and I against each other. She will actually text a lie about one of us to the other one in hopes of getting her way. It usually leads to a nasty argument between The Hub and myself.

NOT funny in the least, and if you have any advice on how to nip this little trick before it gets worse, I would love it!

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Help find Norris Lee!

Sunday, August 29, 2010


We were watching Whale Wars and Bren, who is my animal rights activist, says, "It's always the Japanese that slaughter whales and dolphins. I tell you how to stop them, nuke their butts! They deserved it once, maybe we should do it again!" *followed by silence*

And I'm pretty sure all hopes of her being the first female president just went right out the door. Even a mother would never put her behind the "button." giggle

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Mommy and Daddy "alone time"

The neighbor just asked my kids to go down to the beach with them and I came over to verify.

Jase says to neighbor mom, "It's good that you asked us, mom and dad need alone time. That's why I play over here so much, they need their alone time."


We have never even said "alone time" ROFL!

We never even...*insert imagination*...during the day. The mom just stared at me and if crickets had chirped it would have been appropriate.

Jase, my sweet, you better pray that I die or become mute before you have children of your own because I'm coming at you full force!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

"In the crack?"

While we were camping last week, I took Jase to the showers to clean her up a little. I was telling her to make sure she washed her bum and hoo haa. She kinda rubbed the outside of her butt so I said "wash in between honey."

Eyes wide: "In between? In my crack? I don't wanna stick my hand in there, there's all kinds of stuff in there!"

Hence the reason I want you to "stick your hand in there" and wash it!

Thursday, May 27, 2010


My children have been making me laugh for almost 13 years now. Many times the laughter is later, after the embarrassment of the moment wears off. For instance Jase talking about how she has a dimple and two nipples in the store the other day, much to the cashier's joy! But they keep my life light and full of joy!

Before that, my family always kept me laughing. My brothers are the types that would break out into a fabulous 70s rock song and dance right in the middle of a family gathering...for no reason. And my oldest niece has a sense of humor very near to mine...of course I'm funnier! All of the girls in my family will fart on your head just as fast as any of the boys...and yet we have a classy side. LOL! I just love my family!

I also love to laugh with my best friends! Even if it is when one calls me her endearing nickname for me "hooker" or when 3 others sit around a campfire and discuss my Southern heritage right in front of me...hello, I'm right here and don't make me wear my Mums to your funeral because I will!

I truly believe laughter is a very important part of any family. There are members of my family who don't care for me and say I've changed since I've learned that the Gospel is pertinent to a happy life, but I can still laugh with them and make them laugh in return. Laughter makes all the nasty comments and the sore wounds go away...even for a moment.

So today remember to laugh with your family, your friends, even laugh at yourself. You'll feel better and little by little you'll heal any parts of you that are broken.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

What a sweet little smart *ss boy!

I've always wanted a birthstone ring...always. But alas, my birthstone happens to be one of the rarest and most expensive of stones: Alexandrite. And I refuse to purchase the cheap man-made stone that is pink/purple instead of red/green.

On Mother's Day I was telling my kids that they could all save up and give me a birthstone mother's ring someday. They asked me how much it was and I told them that single carat stones can be close to $10K. My girls gasped. My son however just smiled and sweetly said, "You already have a birthstone ring, Mom." Ummm, no I don't. "Yes you do." Nope, pretty sure I don't. "Yes you do, (puts hand over my heart) it's right here in your heart." Then he giggles profusely.

He thinks he is so funny.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Let's talk ranking, shall we?

My 7 y/o comes to me after playing on a public playground and says, "Mom there are really bad words written all over the playground. Like f***, s***, d***. (SAID them)
But there was a really bad word I need to spell: H.E.L.L. (SPELLED it)"

Hmmmm. Apparently the H word is waaaay worse than the F word. I feel a talk coming on.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Hey World! We are funny again!

Things are back to normal in my home. I am healing. And when I say "normal" if you've read my blog through the years you understand the irony of "normal." For my kids are anything BUT normal!

Thursday we were coming home from school and Jase was in the back seat telling me the following story:

Jase: Jenna sits next to me at lunch every day. And when I turn my head, she just puts candy on my tray, and I look back and there is candy. I don't know where it came from but there it is. Jenna is a funny girl that way. And she always says she has a penis. Don't know why though, cuz she doesn't have a penis, she's a girl.

*If there was EVER a time more appropriate for spitting and choking on my diet Dr Pepper, THAT was the time.*

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Living with a Ghost: Billy Gene Onstead Part Two

A lot has happened since my first post. First I would like to thank so many of you for your comments, emails, facebook posts, and calls! I felt your prayers, well wishes, and thoughts! It was the weirdest mourning I have ever gone through, surreal and full of a variety of emotions.

Since the last post I have heard from my bio aunt and she has had all my comments on Bill Onstead's tribute page removed. Understandable, I wasn't mean, but I was certainly real. Her and her children have since put up TONS of "memories" of him that are so ridiculous I was left reeling. I feel a need to address those:

Her child refers to my father as "the most patriotic man I've ever known." I find this really odd since Bill Onstead was connected to some REALLY bad people from other countries that hated the US. As I said before, my mother saw suitcases of some kind of foreign money and one of his daughters once saw diamonds in a case. He always told my mom that he worked in the "oil business" in Saudi Arabia. She never knew anymore than that. We joke about not saying too much or we might end up "in an 'accident'" but far behind that joke there is a stone cold unknown that always accompanies that phrase.

Her son refers to my father as a "cowboy". I don't find this odd, I find it severely hilarious. Wearing a Stetson and boots does NOT qualify you as a cowboy, and Bill Onstead was never a rancher, never rode in a rodeo, never worked a hard days work in a pasture, or in an arena, or in a dirty stall. Cowboys don't wear Aviators and Italian suits, they don't live in South Africe, Malta, or have villas in Spain, and they don't "marry" young foreign girls under suspicious circumstances while being married to another woman in another country. I was raised on a ranch surrounded by cowboys. I have cowboys in my family that love a hard honest days work, love their families, and know what it means to be a patriot. To call Bill Onstead a cowboy is an insult to all those wonderful, hard working, honest, American men out there who aren't smooth talking imitators, but true to the bone cowboys.

Many more falsities was written about my father...a bunch of hoopla about what a "wonderful" "sweet" man he was. They talk of the unprecedented bond between Bill and Inez, his sister. And instead of saying to Bill's 3 abandoned daughters, "I know he did you wrong but I sure wish he would have allowed you to know the man I knew" she says hurtful things, calls me a liar, says I spin horrible webs of lies, and that I didn't deserve his love.

I was 3 when my father decided to abandon our family. I never asked for it, and in fact over the years I all but begged to be a part of his life. It was always his choice to lie, create weird mysteries and spin lies. And apparently his sister, Inez Onstead, is exactly like him. No wonder they were so close...birds of a feather and all.

It is funny though, I do not feel hate as I write this. Please don't read it that way. I instead feel lucky. Lucky that I was kept out of that mess of a family. Lucky that I never felt what the Onstead and the other two families considered "love". And lucky to have been raised by a wonderful mother, who knew hard honest work, was a wonderful cowgirl, was willing to do whatever it took to raise her children, and never ever abandoned any of us no matter how hard we pushed her away.

If you are an Onstead from Mineral Wells, or are a part of that family in some way, my heart goes out to you, for you have NO idea what it means to be a part of a real honest and loving family. Careful how deep you dig into your family core, for you just might find the web of lies that haunted my dreams for decades.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Living With a Ghost That Won't Go Away: My tribute to Billy Gene Onstead

Today, we are not funny, not funny at all. Comedy will someday resume, I'm sure of it. But today I have a life long mission to fulfill. I must tell the story of my biological father. Because yesterday, after thinking it was another hoax to laugh and roll my eyes at, I discovered that he may truly be dead.

Bill and my mother became pregnant with me before they were married. I was a surprise I guess. Bill disappeared for a while and left my mother wondering if she had scared him away with news of a baby. When he returned he vowed to be a good father, and they were married. The fact that he disappeared once should have been a sign, but my mother trusted him...LOVED him. He was tall, handsome and had a smile (so witnesses have said) that could suck you into his con at anytime.

Bill came into our family with another child from a previous marriage. I'll not share information about her except that we still love her and wish her the best and if she is ever in need of anything, we have been and always will be here.

Bill started out as a highway patrol officer in Texas when he came into my mom's life. Sometime after he ended up working in Saudi Arabia. He was gone A LOT. Mom said he came home once and had an unusual amount of money in a suitcase. He was always weird and secretive like that. He would disappear over seas, never call, and right when everyone thought he was dead or missing, he would show up. The day before I turned 3, he disappeared out of our lives forever.

Right before his final disappearance, Bill told our family (Mom had 3 teens from a previous marriage and Bill had the sister I mentioned above who was also a teenager) that he was moving us to Malta. He showed everyone pictures of the house and told us amazing stories of how wonderful our lives would be. The local newspaper ran a story on the our family moving to the island of Malta. Bill instructed my mother to sell everything. We could only take so much, and we would just have to buy the rest when we got there. He left the day before my 3rd birthday, and Mom set out with the help of friends and family and sold everything: the house, the car, clothes, trampolines, EVERY thing. The older kids shared clothes because soon they would be getting new ones and they told their friends that they were moving to Malta. The whole city knew about the upcoming adventure.

And then he never came back.

My mother waited...and waited...and waited. Friends offered to give her back the things she had sold them at garage sales. She refused to give up hope. Everyone started whispering of possible death over seas. Mom was forced to start all over again, living with her blind mother and 4 teenagers and a toddler, with NOTHING, while she waited to hear the fate of her husband. A year passed with wild rumors coming and going. A friend of Bill's told my mother that he saw an Arab man walking around in Bill's brown suit in town one day. He told her that he worried that Bill was dead. Eventually, Mom was left with no choice but to file for divorce through the state. She divorced a husband that was neither dead or alive, but a ghost that had briefly come and gone, leaving her with nothing but little blond brown-eyed girl, me.

The "brown suit" plays a leading role in my memories. Whether I overheard the brown suit conversation and that's how I came to know about it or my vision is real, for as long as I can remember I have this vision: Me in a blue with white polka dots dress, heavily pleated with lace, white socks and black shiny buckle shoes, walking down a staircase in our house and someone standing at the bottom waiting on me in a brown suit, he is tall but I don't see his face. Everything I describe in my vision, from the little toy lamb with wheels that I walk past to the color of the carpet, my mom has confirmed as real.

After Bill left, and the divorce was final, rumor became facts. The story of the brown suit on the Arab man was made up by Bill's accomplices to keep from knowing the truth, that he was still alive. My mom learned that Bill had not died after all, he was simply living another life. He was living in the same house he promised us, in Malta, and married another woman named Anita (I am told she is Indian) and had a baby girl named Shakeera. Shortly after we all realized that Bill had simply abandoned us, my half sister from Bill moved away and I never saw her again. Seems like there is a running theme where Onsteads are concerned.

I grew up very confused, very angry, very sad and FULL of fantasies about my biological father. I went through the usual stages: Blamed my mother for a while for not trying hard enough to find him, blamed myself for coming into his life when he didn't want another child, hated his guts for living out there and not wanting me or even just telling me why he cannot be in my life. All in all, I grew up with the ghost of Bill Onstead looming over me for 32 years. He looked back at me in every mirror I looked in to. He visited me in dreams, held me, told me things were going to be ok. He loved me in my fantasies--my innocent and dumb little girl fantasies.

At the age of 17, a very pissed off teenager, Bill's wife Anita Onstead wrote me a couple of postcards with no return address. The first was from South Africa. She told me how she wanted to interview and study me for a book she was writing about children from dysfunctional homes and that she would contact me again soon. In the second postcard she told how handsome my father was and how wonderful their life was with a house in South Africa and a Villa in Spain. She revealed that she and Bill had lived in Malta and that was where their first daughter was born, and their second was born in South Africa. Her name is Rasmeeka. She again said she would contact me when she was in Dallas next time, and then I never heard from her again. But how nice to write a little girl who spent her LIFE up to that point obsessed with questions about a father who chose to disappear. The part where she referred to him as tall and handsome was especially sensitive. *dripping in sarcasm* But the BEST part of her revelations was when she told me the age of her daughter that was born in Malta...she was born while Bill was still coming back to Texas to play "daddy/husband" to us, and Anita KNEW!

I found my father once, in Loveland, CO, and tried to contact him. I was told by the police there that Bill wanted me to leave him alone and threatened to press charges. I was 17 when I was told that. I also wrote Uncle Ted (Bill's brother)probably 10 different times begging for something, an answer, anything. NO ONE ever responded, ever cared. All of my sisters (there are 5 of us total) know Uncle Ted and were close to him. I did not. No one knew me, no one ever wanted to.

I will spare you all the details of a life spent wondering. I will skip to last year when I reconnected with two of my sisters who had been abandoned as well (one who lived with me and one who was abandoned just before Bill met my mother). We came together on Facebook and somehow I ended up finding out a few things that I never knew from one of them. Some of the things brought a LOT of closure to my never-ending chapter titled, Bill Onstead-The Mystery Never Ends. It helped to hear those things. I also learned that Shakeera and Meeka never knew about Bill's other "daughters". Anita and Bill had apparently perfected the art of living a lie.

But I STILL needed that moment. I still needed to have my say. And one of my greatest dreams was the day I would be told of Bill's death and I would attend his funeral and finally look upon his face--my father's face--and have my say to Anita and Bill's family.

Sadly, that day will never happen for me now. A week ago today, I discovered that Billy Gene Onstead died back in December of 2009. On his tribute site, the family (aka Anita) chose not to disclose the funeral date or arrangements. So my day to look upon my father's face will never this life anyway. Anger like I have never known rushed through me that day, followed by a cold blow-to-the-stomach reality that left me curled up in tears for hours. Those around me would say "good riddance" and "you're better off" and others would just hold me without knowing what to say. Truth be told, there was NO right thing to say to me. How do you mourn the death of a ghost, of a man that was never there? How do you mourn a dream of looking into your father's eyes or hugging him and finally knowing his smell? It's funny what you think of when you are left to wonder, I always wondered what he smelled like, what his scent would be when I held him in a tight hug. How do you mourn a conversation you never had but ALWAYS dreamed you would have, practiced it in the mirror as a young girl? "Why did you leave, why did you pretend I never existed?" And he would answer.

I have just sent off for a death certificate. It will be the only thing I have of my father except for a few pictures of him smiling and one of him holding me like I was his greatest joy. I will put them all in a box and will carry that box with me throughout the rest of my life. However, when I put the lid on that box, my dreams will finally put to rest, just as Bill was this last December. Although, I cannot say that his soul is enjoying peace, as he has quite a bit to answer for in Heaven.

As for Anita, she lives on and still looks at herself every day in the mirror. In those moments, when she lingers to long at the reflection, it is my hope that for even the slightest moment in time, she knows what an evil person she is for living such a lie for so very long, and hurting so many little girls along the way.

To Billy Gene Onstead, my prayers are truly with you as you face your Maker and beg for mercy for sins against your children. May your soul one day find peace and may God grant you the forgiveness that I have trouble granting you myself. And then may God forgive me.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

And age old argument.

Bren: Ouch! Stupid! You kicked me in the crotch!
Mase: Sorry, but it didn't hurt, Bren, you're a girl!
Bren: Yes it did! We have pee pees too, stupid!
Mase: (in amazement) You do? Oh yeah, just not like mine.