HILARIOUS Blogger!

A friend shared this with me and I had to share it here. Literally the funniest thing I've read in a long time. But I must confess...I'm the guilty party she's talking about. Except that I don't bake, or sew, or knit, or do anything else homemakey. However, I am an overachieving Elf mom. *hangs head in shame*

Laugh your butt off here!

Let's play "What's Under the Bed!"

Me: Bren, you have to clean your room!

Bren: I did.

Me: Whatever, let me see. *finds clean room* Huh, nice. What about the dirty clothes stuffed under the bed?

Bren: Not clothes, just dirty underwear, I'll get them out later.

Me: Let's pretend it's later and get them out now.

Bren: Even better, let's pretend I never said what was under there.

Smooth.

And that's why I'm a proud Momma!

Now, while I do love a good Ringling Circus, I think I may have "stepped in it" by taking my kids this last Saturday.

Today Mase announces:

"Hey Mom, I decided, if I don't get into Harvard, Yale, MIT, or Stanford, I'm gonna go to Clown College or become a Ring Master."

*silence for The Hub and I*..............................................................................................................

ATTENTION ALL WOMEN!!!

This is VERY important!

When you wear high heels, for the love of everything Holy, do NOT have dirty legs!

Because, in case you didn't know, "if you have dirty legs and wear high heels then you're a hooker!"

Thank you, Jase, for keeping us off the streets and well aware!

We are officially a FEATHER FREE family!

That's right...even though I am a hair stylist, my girls have outlawed feather extensions and are now on a mission to stop the injustice!

Here's what happened:

We went to Claire's today to buy a gift for someone. Bren asked the salesperson if they had feathers in stock.

"No, but we will in a couple of weeks. We have to wait for the birds to mature first."

*****************************SILENCE*****************************************

Bren: Birds...mature....what do you mean?

Me: Bren, where do you think they get the feathers? They get them from farms that raise birds to eat and then they use the feathers too.

Bren: WHAT??? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME???

**insert major outburst about hating the store mixed with comments from me about the birds are going on the dinner plate anyway**

So fast forward to now, Bren is making a sign for our front lawn that says "Don't buy feather extensions, they kill the birds just so you can look cool!"

And then this...

Mase: Wait, I don't understand, why can't they just keep the naked chicken as a pet.

*I'm still recovering from that one*

When times get rough...Jase is always there for a laugh!

Tension has been high in our home for a couple of months now. But Jase is always there to break the tension with fits of laughter. God bless that child!

Bren, Jase and I were in the kitchen and they were watching me as I cooked. Out of no where Jase says "Mom, you know how some people have a bootie chin, well you have a nose like that. It has two little humps with a dent in the middle."

*Bren is already choking with laughter...shut up Bren!*

"Um, did you just call my nose a 'butt nose'"?

Jase, "Yep."

Bren, "Jase, that was mean."

*Um trying to take up for me through fits of laughter is NOT working!*

Me, "Hey if I can live with the nickname I had growing up, then I can live with having a butt nose I guess."

*My name happens to rhyme with vagina...oh ok...no really, take your time and get it all out...laugh your butt off....better? Let's move on shall we.*

Jase is laughing at that. So Bren says, "you don't even know what vagina means."

Jase, "Yes I do! It's your girl stuff!" *so there!*

Me, "Yes it is the correct term for your girl stuff, like penis is the correct word for boy stuff."

Jase, "But wanker is WAAAY more fun to say!"

*Ahhh, moments like this are moments I treasure!*

Of all the things to repeat in the whole movie!

We were watching a movie the other day and it was PG so we thought nothing of it. However, somewhere in the movie one character told the other to "stop being a pussy."

Now....

The entire movie was FILLED with little catch phrases that were more appropriate. But then not everyone has a Jase in their house.

So of course, being the kid that she is, she immediately says out loud, "stop being a pussy!"

When Bren and Mase laugh, and The Hub's and my eyes pop out of our head, she explains simply, "it's short for pussycat, right?"

Needless to say we paused the movie to explain that we do NOT tell anyone at school to stop being a pussy, even if we say or mean pussycat!

We are now awaiting the phone call from the school saying she did just the opposite when she went to school today. *sigh*

The Pregnancy Discussion

According to Jase, women do not have a choice as to whether or not they get pregnant. If the Lord sends a child to a woman, then she has to give birth and if she doesn't want the child then she can give it up for adoption.

When asked if anything else was involved, Jase was stumped and said no. So Mase and Bren chimed in with all kinds of pregnancy talk and purposely skirted around any discussion of sex, but tried to help Jase understand that you don't just "become" pregnant without "help." LOL

"For instance," Bren said, "how to animals get pregnant."

Jase's reply: "Well, dolphin get pregnant, get really fat, then have their babies out of their buttocks."

Needless to say, this is where The Hub and I lost it and laughed until we choked!

An Interrupted Call...and...The F Word.

These two Kid Funnies are brought to you today courtesy of Bren and Jase:

Tonight Bren was asked to bless the food and just as she said "Dear Heavenly Father" Mase decided he needed a napkin and asked for one. Bren was highly offended by his interruption.

Bren: You just interrupted my call. I was already connected and you just cut off the line.
Mase: (just giggles)
Bren: I'm still on hold ya know, He is listening to you giggle.


Last night Jase and The Hub attended a daddy daughter dance. On the way in, the weather being super cold, Jase clung to dad in hopes of staying warm until inside.

The Hub: It's freakin' cold, huh?
Jase: Yeah. I wish I could say the F word.
*silence*
The Hub: You mean freakin' right.
Jase: Nope, I mean the real F word...you know, the F.I. word. (we are guessing she meant F.Y. for obvious reasons)