J'isms.

That's what we are now calling Jase's performances....using the word lightly right there.

Today:

She stuck her butt in the fireplace and tooted and said "I'm sending it up to Heaven through the chimney so the stink doesn't stay in the house."

She also was trying to tell her friend to stop mimmicking her but she kept saying IN FRONT of EVERYONE, "stop being a midget!"

Her latest stunt is to fart like a trucker and say ever so sweetly, "That was for you Mom, and I wrapped it up in a bow."

Someone help me....I need therapy I think.

Prayer Violence

We were kneeling for family prayer and I was petting our dog so she wouldn't think we were in the floor to play with her. The Hub, being quite a smarty pants, decided to start petting me during the prayer. I punched him in the stomach for being so irreverent.

So Bren, who was saying the prayer, said "and please help us be reverent during prayer and stop having prayer violence." ROFL!!!

When you're dh is a med student...

...these are his "welcome home" greetings:

Jase: Hey Dad!
Hub: Hey baby girl.
Jase: Did you touch blood today?
Hub: Yep.
Jase: Did you touch guts?
Hub: No, not today.
Jase: Did you touch guts with your hands?
Hub: Nope, not today.

Moments like this make it all worth it.

I opened the fridge this morning to see a note near the milk, addressed:

To Mom...I love you.

Inside it read:

Dear Mom,

I am thankful that you are my mom. Thank you for all your very good dinners. And thank you for letting me have my own room.

*sniff* I absolutely love that girl!!!!!

Sooooo....we had our homestudy this past month (we're trying to adopt...FYI). And we didn't want to talk to the kids about "not saying stuff that is outrageous and untrue" because that would only ensure that they said something outrageous and untrue. *sigh*

But I soon learned that...given ANY opportunity...Jase is always there to keep us on our toes!

When the case worker asked her if she's excited about adopting a sibling she replied, "Yeah, but my daddy spanks me all the time. He spanked me from Texas, to Canada, to Saint Maarten, back to Texas, and all the way to Michigan. He just spanks me hard and all the time."

Where is that "pass out" icon! Fortunately, the case worker had enough sense to ask if he spanked her that week, and she said, "No....not for a while." And we all laughed. The funny thing....she hadn't had a spanking in MONTHS! And usually, it's Mom that spanks her...not Dad who tends to favor her.

Good grief!

On the way to church.

On our way to a chili cook off today this was the conversation in our van:

Mase: Mom, why do I have to call it my private?
Me: Because it is your private area.
Mase: But Jase and Bren have privates, mine is different cuz I'm a boy.
Me: Ok what do you want to call it.
Mase: My weiner.
(*snickers and snorts*)
Me: That's not very nice so how about your penis.
Mase: That's what I pee out of but what about those bubbles under it...they're balls right?
(*louder snickers and snorts*)
Me: Yes, but let's call them testicles.
Mase: So penis and tecticles...okay that works.

Jase: But he does have balls, Mom, and they are under his weiner.

(*rolling laughter by this time*)

Will we ever outgrow the penis and ball joke stage? Ugh!

A Good Way to Die.

Bren and I were watching Survivor the other night and I noticed this particularly muscular guy on there ( the gravedigger if you watch). Bren mentioned how muscley he was and I think I might have howled or barked or even clapped and whistled at some point...I don't remember exactly.

Bren said, "yeah but if he hugs you he will squish you to death."
I said, "I KNOW!" Perhaps a little too over the top happy now that I look back.
Bren sat and thought for a while and then said, "yeah it would be a good way to die, huh."

Yes, Bren, yes it would.

Save them from extinction!!

So I've been lazy the last few days and we've had a ton of hot dogs and chicken nuggets.

Bren walks in today and saw the nuggets in the pan and said, "Um Mom...seriously, you're gonna put hot dogs and chicken nuggets on the endangered list soon. Can we give them a chance to make more before we wipe them out of existence completely?"

Smart mouthed little brat!

Get your priorities straight, Illinois!

Right when we crossed into Illinois on our road trip, we stopped at a gas station for drinks. Bren asked for a YooHoo. I went in and the lady had NO idea what that even was. *gasp* I refrained from exclaiming, "You don't know what a bottle of chocolatey watery goodness is???!!!!"

So I got in the car and told Bren they didn't know what a YooHoo was. Then about an hour down the road we passed a Hooters:

Bren *completely disgusted* - "OH! They don't know what a YooHoo is but they sure know what Hooters is!! Way to go, Illinois!!"

Um, Bren, how do YOU know what Hooters is? LOL!

Because I'm Republican I'm Automatically Stupid?

That's apparently what Donald Trump thinks. When asked to comment on the Rosie/Elizabeth fiasco, Mr. Furry Head himself said (and I paraphrase), "Elizabeth is already known as the dumbest person on television...blah blah blah...she's for the war....and she's really over her head on most subjects." OH.MY.GOSH.

I am just so damn tired of Hollywood's Democrats referring to anyone Republican as ignorant, stupid, dumb, etc. I usually shy away from political rants for several reasons, but today, my friends, is NOT that day. Buckle up...it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

First and foremost, let's get to the main point. It's the lesser of two evils either way you go. There's just as much voodoo coming from the Democratic party as there is the Republican. So what makes a Democrat feel as if he/she is on such a higher plane than their counterparts? I have no answer to that, but that's been the trend for a very very long time, and now Hollywood is shouting it out loud...taunting Republicans.

Now here's where I really want to take this rant: In no way form or fashion do I want ANYONE in the entertainment business to use their entertainment "platform" to go off on some political tangent. You're paid to ENTERTAIN....shut the hell up and do so! I have to listen to politicians enough...I should NOT have to hear it at the Academy Awards, during performances on talk shows, or during concerts. And I should NEVER have to hear it on a day time talk show, where two women who know NOTHING of politics lose their senses and nearly claw each other's eyes out. Wait...now the eye clawing WOULD be entertaining.

Anyone else tired of Hollywood and the entertainment industry moonlighting as a team of political experts? Anyone else find this absolutely ridiculous and exhausting all at the same time?

So I say to them...to those fine souls who found Hollywood not as fulfilling as the political careers they really dream about (yeah let's see them give up their millions to become a politician...hahahahaha!):

If you don't like our president....FINE...just don't sing about it!
If you want to call America a terrorist country...FINE...just do it off air!
If you hate the war in Iraq...FINE...just don't drone on and on and on, endlessly, about it!

In short....just shut the hell up and ENTERTAIN me! That's all I want out of you...nothing more, and nothing less.

And I'll let the "your dumb if your Republican" theory go...it's impossible to fight pure ignorance.

There...rant over.

Moving!!

We're off to Michigan in the next two weeks so I won't post until I get all settled in. I'm SURE some funnies will happen in that span of time...my kids ALWAYS deliver. *sigh*

See in two weeks!!

It's The Little Things.

The funniest thing that happened this week in our home:

Mase discovered that his winker floated in the bathtub, and when you push it down, it comes right back to the top.

Oh there's more, Jase decided to inform the Head Start class about her brother's discovery.

*PROUD MOMMY MOMENT ALERT*

A Moment of Silence....

Taking a break from comedy today to send some prayers to the Virginia Tech facutly, students, and their families.

Those "GET NO WHERE" conversations!!

My kids are PROS at them! For example, I have chosen just two of the many we had this week:

The first is just cute! Jase and her cousin Carly were playing together and they both have speech issues and don't pronounce their Rs. But they're 4, so who cares for now. Anyway, this is their conversation:

J - Look Cawly, thwow that wock.
C - That? That's a wock.
J - No, Cawly, it's called a wock.
C - No, JJ it's a WOCK.
J- NO, IT'S A WOCK!
C- A WOCK!
J- You talk funny. (then walks away) ROFL!!

Then my Mase is asking when his baseball starts:

Me- Tomorrow.
Him- Is tomorrow the next day?
Me- Yes, tomorrow.
Him- So tomorrow is the next day?
Me- Yes, honey, it's tomorrow.
Him- So when we wake up it's tomorrow?
Me- Yep. (ahh we're understanding each other)
Him- So it's the next day?
Me- (spoke too soon) YES (ok calm down) Yes, son, it's the next day....tomorrow IS the next day.
Him- (thinking) So when I wake up, it's tomorrow?
Me- YES! YES! TOMORROW WHEN YOU WAKE UP IT WILL BE THE NEXT DAY AND THAT WILL BE TOMORROW!

And that seemed to please him....however, I was breathing heavy and foaming at the mouth! AAARRRGGGHHHH!

It's me...I'm the idiot!

So it's really rare that I am the funny one, and when I am it is usually due to stupidity rather than comic genius.

Having said that: I was running a garage sale with my mom and it is tradition that we make a run for Daylight Donuts as soon as the sun comes up. After all, you're up anyway due to those super duper committed shoppers (aka cheap skate fanatics) that show up at SIX AM!!!

So my dad comes back with the donuts and Yoohoos. Now, what's the FIRST thing you do to a Yoohoo.....YOU SHAKE IT. You have to get all that chocolaty goodness off the bottom. Little did I know, my mother (being the sweet mother that she is *sigh*) opened MY YOOHOO and handed it to me. She shook it first of course.

However.....when someone hands you a Yoohoo, and you are trying to explain something to a cheapskate that wants to talk you down from A DOLLAR......what do you do? You don't look to see that the Yoohoo is already open....that's just silly!

So YES, I shook the Yoohoo RIGHT INTO MY FACE! Almost half the bottle ended up in my hair, my nose, and all over the stupid trinket that the cheap skate customer wanted for 25 cents. Of course all 15 people, including my own flesh and blood mother and the customer that I wanted to shove the dadgum trinket down her throat, laughed laughed laughed.

Yep, laugh at the idiot woman who shook a Yoohoo in her own face! Oh that's some funny stuff! In fact, TBS would say, "I think you definitely have a hilarious moment there....have yourself a really good laugh."

I'll wait til you're finished laughing.

Bren's Going on Vacation...HAHAHAHA

She opened her Happy Meal and in the toy there was a "ticket".
"MOM! I won a trip to Authen City!"

I hated having to break the news to her! ROFL!!

*FTR: the Charlotte's Web toys come with Certificates of Authenticity.*

We're Funny Again--Thanks for the prayers!

So my VERY redneck dad is in trouble...here's why:

Jase: I have a boyfriend (she's 4)
Mase: Who? (6yrs)
Jase: TJ
Mase: He's brown...you can't date brown people.
Jase: Yes I can!
Mase: NO you can't...you can be friends, but you cannot date or marry a different color!
Mom: (overhearing the above) Excuse me! Who told you THAT?
Mase: Grandpa.
Mom: Well you listen to me....(begins 30 minute lecture about how we are ALL God's children...which I think I lost him after the 1st 10...but he got the point)

Later:
Me: Umm....Dad, we need to talk.
Dad: What.
Me: Stop teaching my children your racist redneck ways...I hate them and I will not have you teaching them that!
Dad: (well I really cannot write what he said or what I said back or what he said then and then what I replied with....you get the point.

And that is what I have been up against all my life....my Dad is very set in his old ways of thinking and we butt heads about it often. But I think I made my point as far as my OWN children go. We'll see.

Not a lot of fun going on here right now. Prayers would be appreciated.