Polo Shirts and JFK

Last week we learned that not one of my kids, nope, not a SINGLE ONE, is as intelligent as I initially thought.

Mase:  Hey, Mom, did you know that the thing on Polo shirts is a guy playing Polo on a horse?

Me:  Um, yep.

Mase:  Yeah, I always thought it was a Centaur until last week.

Jase:  It's a guy playing Cricket on a horse, Mase.

Me:  What??  You don't play Cricket on horses.  And Mase, you thought it was a Centaur all this time?

Jase:  You don't play Cricket on a horse?

Me:  No, that's Polo.  Cricket is played on your own two legs.

Mase:  Always looked like a Centaur to me.

*Bren gets into the car and hears our conversation*

Bren:  You don't play Cricket on a horse?  Well what's the dude on the shirts playing?

Me:  POLO!!  HENCE THE FRICKING NAME OF POLO SHIRT!!

(okay, so I was a little exasperated at this point and my belief in the intelligence of my kids was being washed out to sea)

A collective "ahhh, I did not know that" sweeps through the car.

Then Jase, who is playing Badly Drawn Faces, pipes up and says, "I need help on this one, Mom. Who is JFK but with darker eyebrows?"

Me:  (looking at the face) That's Mitt Romney honey.

Jase:  Ok, then who is JFK but with big ears?

Me:  (looking again) That's not JFK, that's Prince Charles.

Jase:  Ok.  (long silence)  JFK with squinty eyes?

Me:  Honey, that's Bill Clinton....do you even know who JFK is??

Jase:  No.

*beats head on steering wheel*

Too Much Fun is OUT of the question!

I know I haven't posted in a while. I apologize profusely!

It's a little thing called "life" that keeps getting in the way! :)

Here's a funny just to make your day better, and by none other than our funny girl herself, Jase!

Riding home from school Bren is telling me how the upcoming Sadie's dance is going to go.  She's explaining where the pictures will take place etc.

Bren:  We'll all meet at the house and take pics with our dates there.

Jase:  *butting in*  Well don't have toooooo much fun, Bren.

Bren:  What are you talking about? It's just pictures!  Besides your ten! You don't know what "too much fun" is.

Jase:  Oh I know!  And I'm telling you not to have it.  *said with authority*

I couldn't have said it better myself, Jase!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from all of us to all of you!

Stripper Songs

So we're watching American Idol and Mase is humming. I realize suddenly that he's singing that stupid stripper song...thanks rappers everywhere for your disgusting contribution to society and your booty bouncing slutty women *throws up in mouth*!

Conversations ensues:

Me - SON! You cannot sing that song!

Mase - Why?

Me - It's about strippers! (trying not to yell)

Mase - *blank stare*

Me - Do you know what a stripper is?

Mase - They dance on stage and strip to their bra and panties.

Me - (OMG! HE KNOWS HE KNOWS! okay stay calm...breathe....don't ask who told him, you might kill the kid) Yes, but they strip NAKED, son, NAKED. They show everything that Heavenly Father gave them to a clapping audience.

Jase - (obviously listening in...SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE!) Ew! I would never do that.

Me - WELL I SHOULD HOPE NOT! (any hopes of not yelling clearly gone)


*later I would find out that BREN told Mase the words to the song...my own child...pray for her..."

HILARIOUS Blogger!

A friend shared this with me and I had to share it here. Literally the funniest thing I've read in a long time. But I must confess...I'm the guilty party she's talking about. Except that I don't bake, or sew, or knit, or do anything else homemakey. However, I am an overachieving Elf mom. *hangs head in shame*

Laugh your butt off here!

Let's play "What's Under the Bed!"

Me: Bren, you have to clean your room!

Bren: I did.

Me: Whatever, let me see. *finds clean room* Huh, nice. What about the dirty clothes stuffed under the bed?

Bren: Not clothes, just dirty underwear, I'll get them out later.

Me: Let's pretend it's later and get them out now.

Bren: Even better, let's pretend I never said what was under there.

Smooth.

And that's why I'm a proud Momma!

Now, while I do love a good Ringling Circus, I think I may have "stepped in it" by taking my kids this last Saturday.

Today Mase announces:

"Hey Mom, I decided, if I don't get into Harvard, Yale, MIT, or Stanford, I'm gonna go to Clown College or become a Ring Master."

*silence for The Hub and I*..............................................................................................................

ATTENTION ALL WOMEN!!!

This is VERY important!

When you wear high heels, for the love of everything Holy, do NOT have dirty legs!

Because, in case you didn't know, "if you have dirty legs and wear high heels then you're a hooker!"

Thank you, Jase, for keeping us off the streets and well aware!

We are officially a FEATHER FREE family!

That's right...even though I am a hair stylist, my girls have outlawed feather extensions and are now on a mission to stop the injustice!

Here's what happened:

We went to Claire's today to buy a gift for someone. Bren asked the salesperson if they had feathers in stock.

"No, but we will in a couple of weeks. We have to wait for the birds to mature first."

*****************************SILENCE*****************************************

Bren: Birds...mature....what do you mean?

Me: Bren, where do you think they get the feathers? They get them from farms that raise birds to eat and then they use the feathers too.

Bren: WHAT??? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME???

**insert major outburst about hating the store mixed with comments from me about the birds are going on the dinner plate anyway**

So fast forward to now, Bren is making a sign for our front lawn that says "Don't buy feather extensions, they kill the birds just so you can look cool!"

And then this...

Mase: Wait, I don't understand, why can't they just keep the naked chicken as a pet.

*I'm still recovering from that one*

When times get rough...Jase is always there for a laugh!

Tension has been high in our home for a couple of months now. But Jase is always there to break the tension with fits of laughter. God bless that child!

Bren, Jase and I were in the kitchen and they were watching me as I cooked. Out of no where Jase says "Mom, you know how some people have a bootie chin, well you have a nose like that. It has two little humps with a dent in the middle."

*Bren is already choking with laughter...shut up Bren!*

"Um, did you just call my nose a 'butt nose'"?

Jase, "Yep."

Bren, "Jase, that was mean."

*Um trying to take up for me through fits of laughter is NOT working!*

Me, "Hey if I can live with the nickname I had growing up, then I can live with having a butt nose I guess."

*My name happens to rhyme with vagina...oh ok...no really, take your time and get it all out...laugh your butt off....better? Let's move on shall we.*

Jase is laughing at that. So Bren says, "you don't even know what vagina means."

Jase, "Yes I do! It's your girl stuff!" *so there!*

Me, "Yes it is the correct term for your girl stuff, like penis is the correct word for boy stuff."

Jase, "But wanker is WAAAY more fun to say!"

*Ahhh, moments like this are moments I treasure!*

Of all the things to repeat in the whole movie!

We were watching a movie the other day and it was PG so we thought nothing of it. However, somewhere in the movie one character told the other to "stop being a pussy."

Now....

The entire movie was FILLED with little catch phrases that were more appropriate. But then not everyone has a Jase in their house.

So of course, being the kid that she is, she immediately says out loud, "stop being a pussy!"

When Bren and Mase laugh, and The Hub's and my eyes pop out of our head, she explains simply, "it's short for pussycat, right?"

Needless to say we paused the movie to explain that we do NOT tell anyone at school to stop being a pussy, even if we say or mean pussycat!

We are now awaiting the phone call from the school saying she did just the opposite when she went to school today. *sigh*

The Pregnancy Discussion

According to Jase, women do not have a choice as to whether or not they get pregnant. If the Lord sends a child to a woman, then she has to give birth and if she doesn't want the child then she can give it up for adoption.

When asked if anything else was involved, Jase was stumped and said no. So Mase and Bren chimed in with all kinds of pregnancy talk and purposely skirted around any discussion of sex, but tried to help Jase understand that you don't just "become" pregnant without "help." LOL

"For instance," Bren said, "how to animals get pregnant."

Jase's reply: "Well, dolphin get pregnant, get really fat, then have their babies out of their buttocks."

Needless to say, this is where The Hub and I lost it and laughed until we choked!

An Interrupted Call...and...The F Word.

These two Kid Funnies are brought to you today courtesy of Bren and Jase:

Tonight Bren was asked to bless the food and just as she said "Dear Heavenly Father" Mase decided he needed a napkin and asked for one. Bren was highly offended by his interruption.

Bren: You just interrupted my call. I was already connected and you just cut off the line.
Mase: (just giggles)
Bren: I'm still on hold ya know, He is listening to you giggle.


Last night Jase and The Hub attended a daddy daughter dance. On the way in, the weather being super cold, Jase clung to dad in hopes of staying warm until inside.

The Hub: It's freakin' cold, huh?
Jase: Yeah. I wish I could say the F word.
*silence*
The Hub: You mean freakin' right.
Jase: Nope, I mean the real F word...you know, the F.I. word. (we are guessing she meant F.Y. for obvious reasons)

THIS JUST IN: Raisins can cause dogs to kill cats.

A friend and I were discussing our pets and I was telling her how I heard that raisins and grapes can actually be very dangerous to dogs. I said that raisins and grapes can cause severe kidney damage when ingested.

Mase, who was listening, said, "Raisins can cause dogs to chase and kill cats?"

WHAT?

Mase: "You said raisins can cause severe kitty damage."

I see a new fwd email going around soon for snopes.com to get a hold of!

I recommend starting your day with a little sex talk.

As we were getting ready for school we were watching an animal bloopers show. Somewhere in there is asked the age old question "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Mase says: Andrew (a friend) said all girls are born with an egg in their body that will one day become a baby.
Jase: It's true, but it's called a sack Mase, and I have one.
Mase: So Jase has a baby in her belly waiting?
Me: No, girls have a type of egg in their bodies that could one day become a baby.
Jase: (holding circled fists to her belly) See I have eggs right here!

Thank goodness no one asked how those eggs get fertilized!

Do you pee in the shower? And can your winky dance?

I was getting the shower ready for Mase, and a typical male, he just comes in and shucks his clothes. My girls hide and ask me to turn around, HELLO, we have the same body parts! But my boy goes all "nudist colony" on me any chance he has.

First, I see movement out of the corner of my eye and turn around to see my son twirling his "winky" in circles with his hips. He giggles and says, "Cool huh, I just started doing that."

*yep, real cool son.*

Then, he gets in the shower and I go to step out, then remember that I need to remind him to use SHAMPOO when he shampoos his hair and that water and rubbing is not washing hair. I open the curtain and he's peeing in the shower. "Ewww! Stop that!" But he just giggles and says, "If I get out I get water all over the floor, and then you gripe because I got water all over the floor."

:| *ahhh, look who's a smarty pants all of a sudden*

"So go before you get in."

"I didn't need to go until the water hit it."

I'll admit, I totally lost that battle of wits.

Not funny at all!

Bren has learned how to pit The Hub and I against each other. She will actually text a lie about one of us to the other one in hopes of getting her way. It usually leads to a nasty argument between The Hub and myself.

NOT funny in the least, and if you have any advice on how to nip this little trick before it gets worse, I would love it!

Help find Norris Lee!

http://wwj.cbslocal.com/2010/09/06/birmingham-police-search-for-missing-man/

And....NOTED.

We were watching Whale Wars and Bren, who is my animal rights activist, says, "It's always the Japanese that slaughter whales and dolphins. I tell you how to stop them, nuke their butts! They deserved it once, maybe we should do it again!" *followed by silence*

And I'm pretty sure all hopes of her being the first female president just went right out the door. Even a mother would never put her behind the "button."

Mommy and Daddy "alone time"

The neighbor just asked my kids to go down to the beach with them and I came over to verify.

Jase says to neighbor mom, "It's good that you asked us, mom and dad need alone time. That's why I play over here so much, they need their alone time."

WHAT THE....

We have never even said "alone time" ROFL!

We never even...*insert imagination*...during the day. The mom just stared at me and if crickets had chirped it would have been appropriate.

Jase, my sweet, you better pray that I die or become mute before you have children of your own because I'm coming at you full force!

"In the crack?"

While we were camping last week, I took Jase to the showers to clean her up a little. I was telling her to make sure she washed her bum and hoo haa. She kinda rubbed the outside of her butt so I said "wash in between honey."

Eyes wide: "In between? In my crack? I don't wanna stick my hand in there, there's all kinds of stuff in there!"

Hence the reason I want you to "stick your hand in there" and wash it!