And what would Christmas Morning be.....

...without a little Jase-ism????

Jase opens her stocking and sees lip gloss but it looks a lot like MY concealer.

Jase - Is it for my nipples?
Bren - WHAT? *giggle*
Me - What?
Jase - My nipples on my face. Not the hole ones (remember that she calls dimples, nipples)
*everyone laughs hysterically*
Me - NO...it's lip gloss, not for your PIMPLES. Nipples are on your chest, dimples are the holes in your cheeks, and pimples are the red bumps.
Jase - Ohhhh. It's LIP GLOSS!

The Hub - yeah, and it's not for your nipples, on your chest OR the ones on your face!

My word!!

A Winter Poem

I just found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It certainly was to me, and it is eloquence without equal. It really captures my own feelings about winter.

'WINTER'

a poem by

Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre





SHIT, It's Cold!

The End

New way to say "turkey thighs".

Jase came into the bathroom the other morning while I was getting ready. I was in my pjs, and she sat down to watch me.

Jase: Mom, why is it that when we're kids our legs are short and skinny, and then we grow up and they get taller and taller, and then when we're your age they get really big at the top?

*grumble grumble grumble* Thanks Jase...always there to make me feel good about myself.

Well...hmmmm....ok.

Mase came upstairs last night to inform me that he won the talent contest between him and his sisters.

Me: Awesome! What did you do?
Mase: I beat boxed and river danced.
Me: (chokes) Ummm...ok....at the same time?
Mase: Of course, they go together really well.

His father is still recovering from the announcement.

Watch out Batman...

...Random Man strikes again!

Mase was driving home with the Hub and this was the conversation without a single second delay between one question to the next:

M: Dad, how old do you have to be to go in the Army?
H: 18
M: How old was Uncle Danny?
H: 21 I think.
M: How old are you when you go to college?
H: 18, after you graduate HS.
M: When do you graduate high school?
H: 18
M: Do you smoke in college?
H: Some people do.
M: Did you?
H: No.
M: Did you meet Mom in college?
H: No, we met before.
M: Do you know what the scariest city is?
H: No.
M: New York, cuz they use subways and cabs.
H: Oh really.
M: LA and Las Vegas have subways too.
H: Yep, yep they do.

Then the other day Random Man strikes twice in one day!

Mase comes in and says to me, "Mom, how old are you?"
Me: 34
Mase: And now add 7.
Me: Ok, 41.
Mase: RIGHT...that means you don't know how to wrestle! *walks off*

Then:

I was putting on my makeup and Mase comes in to pee. While peeing he says, "Mom why do girls wipe their privates?"
Me: Because we have to....
Mase: (interupts and while still peeing) Because you don't have a penis to direct it?
Me: Yes, exactly.
Mase: Does it run down your leg?
Me: Well no, not if we're sitting down....but it does need to be wiped....just because, Mase.
Mase: Oh, ok. *shakes it off, zips, and walks out*

And apparently Random Man has a sidekick called Random Little Sis:

Dad, I just thought of this, dark people are brown and brown people are dark and that means they can't hear.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY CHILDREN???? They make good grades, have friends, play sports....but apparently have super human random powers!

Demonstrators??

Mase asked yesterday morning "are we Republican or Demonstrator?"

*snicker*

I'm so confused...but if you think it makes sense...

Mase says to me tonight:

Mom, you're 34 right? (yes) Okay so then add 7 years. (ok 41) Right, 41, so that means you don't know how to wrestle.

*crickets chirping*

Theeeee Talk!

I had to have the "talk" with Bren not too long ago since her school shows the video in FOURTH grade. *eyeroll*

Her response after: "You did that....THREE times?"

My response: "Yes....only three...once for each kid."

*snicker*

Well at least he's blunt.

We were out for supper last night and Bren was torturing Mase. He HATES it when she tortures him by being annoying. It went on for a while with us getting onto her and him for rude comments and her behavior.

It finally settled down and Mase turns to me and says, "Mom, will you just kill her?" He was so 'matter of fact' about it and dead serious...it was so funny! He did get in trouble for saying it but Bren can be such a turd!!

I'll never look at a corn field the same way again.

As we're headed to Texas, driving past corn field after corn field in Illinois, Jase decides she needs to go to the bathroom RIGHT THEN. After explaining that we can pull over to let her pee on the side of the road...not a gas station for miles....she tells us that she needs to go #2, not pee.

So we tell her she'll have to wait til a station appears.

Her respons, "I can just poop in the corn."

The Hub's response to that, "Which is ironic if you think about it...usually you relate them the other way around."

Yeah, think on that one for a second......I see the wheels turnin'....uh huh....yep you got it.....classic right?

The very rarely seen and easily spooked Butt-Ox!

Bren thinks she's pretty clever lately.

The other day she came into the kitchen and I was bent over cleaning up something and I heard her whispering behind me in an English accent:

"Now, we have to be very careful so as not to spook it, but this is the rarely seen Butt-Ox. Famous for the noises it makes..."

It went on for a while.

Then tonight she and I were sitting on the couch watching our Bravo shows and she farts rather loudly and immediately spanks her butt and says "Vina, that is enough! You calm down!"

Me: Did you just name your butt MY name?
Bren: Yep...it fits.

Again, I love being the "butt" of her jokes. Pun intended.

Oh and a BIG thank you to Uncle Travis for teaching our kids to come out of the bathroom and say to someone "I just went poop and when I was done I turned around and named it (insert person's name)". That one NEVER gets old around here apparently!

Good luck with that Jase!

Mase has been learning some colorful ways to refer to his "parts" by the little neighborhood boys. His latest referal is "my nuts."

Jase was getting into the bath the other night and talking to the Hub:

Jase: Dad, why does Mase call his things his nasty nuts?
Hub: Well he says nuts, not nasty nuts, but that's a crude way to say it.
Jase: Today he said he has nuts in his penis. That's disgusting! When I grow up and get married, my husband will NOT have nasty nuts in his penis! That's disgusting!

Never a dull moment....still....never....no matter how old they get.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MASE MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!

He's a grown man!

Mase woke up disoriented the other night and the Hub took him to the potty to pee. Jase was still awake and was being nosey as usual.

Mase was sitting on the toilet (after trying to pee in the shower and then ON the toilet seat) and the Hub asked him where his underwear were.

Jase pipes in, "Dad, he's a grown man....he doesn't wear underwear anymore!"

Travis, Matt, Monty, Byron.....are you guys going commando and I never realized?

A Funny From Extended Family.

My niece's family were chit chatting about some "dirty" words one of her daughters had heard that day. One happened to be sperm. Her 2nd oldest daughter asked what that was and her husband responded that "it's basically tadpoles." This was the WRONG child to say that to, because she immediately said "Oh I want sperm!" Then the dad said, "You can't, only boys have them." Her reply, "Well that's just unfair!"

I can't take then ANYWHERE!

Ya know, I try to be a classy lady. I try to keep up appearances. But when you have a family like mine, it is utterly impossible to hide who we really are deep down inside.

Today we went to eat at a really nice restaurant. The table next to us was rather close to ours and it was pretty quiet in there so we could hear each other's conversations.

My mom mentioned that she heard that the Hub ate Oriental Salad (a big feat for someone who hates veggies period) and his loud reply was "yeah but my bowels have been messed up ever since." *cricket chirp*
I wanted to crawl under the table.

Oh and of course it couldn't stop there. Jase goes to the potty and returns to announce LOUDLY (just like her daddy!) that "I went number 2!"

Yep! We were the that family tonight. I try soooooo hard!

Mase got his first cup!

And every single Friday night and Saturday morning he's walking around the house, in his jock & cup, telling us to "go ahead, hit me in the private, it won't hurt me!"

Okay, you forced my hand.

Deleted to maintain funny atmosphere. I'd rather be funny than pissy anyway!

We're knee deep in funny around here!

The latest catastrophies:

1. I went to lunch with a good friend and luckily she's a bit irreverent because Jase found it necessary to draw a pic of me and it happened to be a nude pic....frontal view, complete with hair. THAT CHILD!!! She hasn't seen me naked in 3 years!!!

2. I was bent over washing Mase's hair the other night, and I had a low cut shirt on. He politely, very politely, asked me "Mom, why do your boobies look like a butt sometimes?" Cleavage lesson number one!

3. On the way home from picking up our dog that was spade, the kids were asking what a uterus was. I was explaining all about spading and neutering. I then explained that human boys don't get their testicles cut off, just animals. This is what followed:

Mase - What are testicles again.....oh yeah that round thing under my penis.
Me - Yeah but you have TWO of them. *giggles from girls*
Mase - (very seriously while looking out the window) I know...I played with them once.
Me - (trying not to laugh with the girls so as not to encourage them) Oh really?
Mase - Yep, I played dodgeball...tried to make one hit the other one in that sack their in.....but it hurt so I quit.
*girls lose it here and there is just no controlling them*

Why Jase won't wear mascara ever.

So Jase was watching me put on makeup and when I started putting on mascara she said, "I won't ever wear that, because when I'm older, and I have a son, he will turn 4, and then he will push me because he didn't mean to, and I will poke myself in the eye. So I will never wear that."

The funniest metaphor ever!

So I called my mom and said "why didn't you tell me you got snow? I saw Aimee's pics, how much did y'all get?"

She replied, "It's already gone, Aimee got more, and besides I wasn't going to call you about 3 inches when you maintain 8 or more. That would be like you having a million bucks and I call to brag about finding $50."

Daddy wears panties!

Jase came into the bathroom last Sunday and I asked her if she changed her panties since she hadn't had a bath the night before. She said yes, "Daddy changed them."

Me: Did you have skidmarks in them?
Her: NO! I wipe good Mom! *thinks for a minute* But then I changed Dad's panties and there were marks in them...he does NOT wipe good Mom!

Holy Sarah?

Mase was in sunday school and the teacher held up a picture of the nativity scene and asked if someone could tell the story.

Mase raised his hand and proceeded to explain how Joseph and "Sarah" had baby Jesus. The teacher said "Mary" to correct him and he said "oh yeah, Sarah is the other story." What???

Jase's grandma sent her some silly putty and she calls it "fuzzy nuzzy". LOL! She keeps asking to play with her fuzzy nuzzy.

Now for a sweet story: Bren has a couple of boys crushing on her at church. They have signals to tell when she's coming into the room. LOL The other day one of the moms brought the paper to church to give me the pic of Bren (she was in it for a school thing) and when she opened it the pic was missing and had been cut out. She later found it in her son's room with hearts on it. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! My little girl has admirers!

Jase reads her fortune!

We ate out the other night and we always enjoy fortune cookie time.

Jase opens hers and says read this mom. It said "because of your kindess you will have great success."

Jase yells LOUDLY, "because of my kindness I'm gonna have great sex!"

Oh my word!

Bren made a funny!

I came into the living room and sat down on the couch and my dog got up and ran real fast away...she was on the couch.

Bren: Man Mom, did you scare her? Did your bum say "boo"?

BWAAHAAAHAA